Sinister: Spiced Bum

[Warrander John - FML]

Hello Lovely People,

Has somebody been saying bad things about the Pastels? I
can't be bothered looking at the archives. But Stephen Pastel
makes me wet myself. And I'll defend him with my forehead if
need be. Actually, I did pop into John Smith's while enjoying
some festive frolics in Glasgow and he wasn't working. Such
a shame. I licked the records I guessed he'd handled as a
consolation. Just in case you were wondering what the gooey
stains on the Silver Jews' sleeves were. Don't get too excited.

Anyway, somebody managed to convince me that the festive
spirit for 1998 was Morgan's spiced rum. Well nobody at my
aunt's thought I was being very festive when I locked myself in
the toilet to die after a prolonged bout of vomiting at what was
meant to be a gentle family soiree. On the plus side though, my
father has a very small bladder and urinated in his pants leading
to an hilarious evening of entertainment consisting mainly of
pointing your finger at the bald bloke and shouting "pishy
drawers". That actually passes for sophistication in Aberdeen.
It's that kind of town.

Aberdonians being tight-fisted bastards too, I never bother
buying any pressies for anybody. The short-arse ginger fucker
got me some very, very fine records though and I'm listening to
them now, which just about makes getting up before sunrise
bearable. Unfortunately, I think my visit to the Fopp January sale
confirms the fact that a crap record for £2.99 does not actually
constitute a bargain.

My sister's gone and married into a family of huns since I was
last in Glasgow. Quite a shock to the system that on Christmas
day. Oh, and yes, I do make a fine cheesecake. I make a rather
tasty Mediterranean vegetable stew with grilled hallumi too. If
you're ever in Manchester and feeling a bit peckish then be sure
and call round. I'll be the one in the kitchen making lots of lovely,
lovely things.

I was going to pretend that Celtic footballing sensation Craig
Burley rubbed my feet then my back then my belly then my
breasts seductively at a party I was at. But I don't know who
Jessica is and she may think I was taking the piss. Which of
course I'd never dream of. And anyway, then you'd all know the
lithe athletic persona that I've adopted for the internet is really a
big lie and I'm actually a fat bastard.

Did you have a "nae pal party" this New Year? I did.
Love...John
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