Sinister: Alliaceaephilia (a fancy-ass way to say "Onion Love")

[FourJacksAndAJill]

The Onion is great, all bow down to its supreme work-shirking
pleasure-giving abilities.  Some of the best articles are in the Archives
(online).  My personal fave being the Sports article about how an
investigation revealed that the Special Olympics are "fixed" because
everybody apparently wins...

This week's Onion has a great column that I couldn't resist quoting,
because it is all too applicable for us when talking about B&S or anyone
else really who has a career spanning more than two albums.  There but for
the grace of God go us!

I should add at this point that I enjoy a few Tangerine Dream albums
(pre-Risky Business believe me) and Enya is good.  I shun all other New
Age related artists though...

Xavier
--
Today's New Age Music Is Crap 
By Doug Wortham 


      Boy, nothing stays good for long, that's all I can say. 

      I went to Falling Water Books & Music right after work Tuesday,
because I'd heard the new David Lanz CD was finally out. So I shelled out
my $15.99, and raced home to listen. 

      And you know what? It fucking blew. I'm not kidding. David Lanz has
let us all down. The first three tracks, I'm like, "Okay, this is kind of
derivative of the earlier stuff like Heartsounds or Nightfall, but he's
probably just reacquainting us with the style before hitting us with the
new shit." And then the next five tracks... I don't even know how to say
it. It sucked. I'm like, "Is this the same David Lanz who put out
Woodlands?" 

      Believe me, I wish it were only The Lanz. But it's all of them. The
golden age of New Age music has come and gone. 

      I remember when I first heard Yanni, back in '85. It was my junior
year of high school. One Saturday night, I was hanging out at my buddy
Steve's, and he looks at me and says, "Dude, you gotta hear this record.
This shit will blow your mind." So I'm like, "Okay, whatever, Steve." So
he puts this LP on, and I hear the first notes of Optimystique come out of
the speaker. Needless to say, my jaw hit the floor. It was like the moment
in The Wizard Of Oz where everything goes from black-and-white to color.
The next day, I bought my own copy, and I listened to it for like 24 hours
straight. I didn't get to sleep until, like, 4 a.m., so I skipped school
the next day and just played Optimystique non-stop. I actually wore out
the needle, moving it back to listen to "Butterfly Dance" over and over
again. 

      After that, New Age pretty much became my life. I started devouring
the old masters like Cluster, Tangerine Dream and Kitaro. I spent all the
money I made at my pizza-delivery job on New Age, and when that wasn't
enough, I started mowing lawns. 

      Then came my college years. The gang on my floor at the dorm would
stay up all night playing the coolest shit, like Angels Of Venice and
Gordon Burnham. We'd go through a whole box of Celestial Seasonings Red
Zinger in a night. Once, we rented a van and drove all the way to Vermont
just to see John Anderson live. That was back when I was dating Alicia
Leupke just because she looked a little like Enya. 

      That was back when New Age was a real thing. Back when Windham Hill
Records was an exciting new upstart indie label. Now they've sold out and
are doing all these Beatles tributes and jazz festivals. They've forgotten
what it's all about. 

      It used to be about the New Age music! Now, it's just about having
the hottest stars and promoting them. Or getting that next album finished
in time, to satisfy the record executives who don't even care if it's any
good, so long as it's done on time. I mean, can you name one track on
Chris Spheeris' last album? I didn't think so. 

      I was out with this chick a month ago, and she asked me what kind of
music I was into, so I said New Age, and she goes, "Oh, I just love John
Tesh." I'm like, what the fuck?!?! That shit isn't New Age! New Age is
about harmony with nature! It's about ambience and calming down! Not about
some Hollywood pretty-boy banging on his Casio! I hear Tesh doesn't even
have real ocean sounds--that's all synthesized, too. 

      Frankly, none of these idiots on the charts nowadays know the first
thing about the true spirit of New Age. I mean, Bruce BecVar? Where was
Bruce BecVar during the harmonic convergence of 1987? Moussing his hair,
most likely. And what about all these bands that are wearing a different
crystal in every photo? They're using crystals for fashion purposes, not
for focusing their personal, unchanging chakras! I swear, these poseurs
wouldn't know the voice of Seth if they channeled it! 

      It's all been downhill since December by George Winston. A great
album, no question, but it was too successful and went mainstream. Then
all the phonies came out of the woodwork, the big labels wanted in, and
the next thing you know, the scene is totally ruined, turned into a giant,
money-sucking corporate whore-beast. 

      I know what you're gonna say: "What about Dreamsea? They're
independent." Yeah, but it's so obvious that their whole goal is to sell
out. Look how they're promoting Book Of Dreams, talking them up like
they're the next Secret Garden or something. Yeah, right--they sound more
like me and Steve screwing around in the garage with our flute and harp
back in high school. They just want to get a million-seller so they can
whore themselves to Time-Warner, you just know it. 

      Ah, well. I guess I'll always have Optimystique. And my memories.

--

 BXK
 bkim0 at dept.english.upenn.edu | www.english.upenn.edu/~bkim0
 It's what kind of hair you have on the inside that counts.--G.S.
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