Sinister: another pathetic school story

[jessica]

i'm a little foggy from an extreme night out, so you'll have to bear with
me. i've got to write an essay and a scientific report in this state, so if
anyone takes pity on me and would like to send me anything that falls into
either of these two categories, that would be appreciated.

about school: i never had an easy time in school. when i was really young,
up until about age 10, i was The Bully, which meant that nobody wanted me on
their team, nobody would work with me in class, and nobody came near me at
recess. which i guess was really fine because i was a miserable kid anyways,
but it's left me with a school record thicker than my arm and only one
memory of a sleepover. i didn't have any friends and i never once thought
that suburban life was idyllic. i discovered music in a big way once i
entered junior high, there was a boy i had a crush on that gave me a tape of
the cure and i was instantly obsessed. this led to me spiking my hair a la
robert smith, wearing loads of black eyeliner and being beat up and thrown
against lockers because i was different and strange. thank goodness i grew
out of that by the time i got to highschool (although i still hold the cure
in a fond place in my heart). oh, i was also a riot grrl during junior high
and the earlier parts of highschool which didn't make me any friends because
nobody knew what it was. it just scared them. i made a couple friends in
highschool...mostly boys, the two girl friends that i had later went on to
sleep with my boyfriend, who ironically was horribly jealous of any of my
male friends. i got into more indie music, like dinosaur and pavement and
the pixies and stereolab, but nobody knew who they were. which doesn't
really matter, but it's so nice to be able to share good music with other
people. i later found out that people thought i had this amazingly cool life
because i wrote record reviews and put out a zine and went to concerts and
got paid to take photos of bands. which i guess sounds cool in retrospect,
but i was doing all this stuff by myself (well, the possessive boyfriend
went to concerts with me to prevent me talking to other people) and still
didn't have anyone to eat lunch with or hang out with if class was
cancelled. music was really the thing that saved me...kids can really be
cruel over the smallest differences, and although my mother maintains that
"you would have had friends if you didn't listen to that strange music", i
don't think that's the case at all. i've never really fit in, even when i
was little i didn't have friends that i played with or could invite to my
birthday party...as a matter of fact, i haven't had a birthday party since i
was 5. but from when i was really young, i learned that it's easier to
pretend that you don't care, and if you do it long enough you end up cold
and really not caring at all. yeah, i was completely evil in grade school,
but in highschool i was just quiet and kept to myself, which was likely the
result of being beat up for saying anything. it's only recently that i've
had friends that i can talk to, people that i can tell about good bands and
that can tell me about good bands and that i can phone for no reason. i've
never had a saved by the bell or degrassi existence. my life right now is
the closest i've come to that, and it's still not at all what we're meant to
believe is the way things should be.

oh dear, i'm hungover and feel quite shit at the moment, which i'm sure you
can tell by reading this. congratulations if you've made it this far. my
belle and sebastian content is that i've made more good friends because of
this band than i've had in my whole life.

love,
jessicaxo

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
someone had spied on us, i suppose, as we sat beside
the canal and ate the sandwiches, drinking not even
orangeade or coca-cola but hot milk out of a thermos.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
t i n y s t a r @ w o r l d y . c o m  (it's lovely being a girl)

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