Sinister: LL cool J

[Robin Stout]

Hey folks!

	A claim to fame: A friend of mine bumped into Siegfried from All 
Creatures Great And Small the other day. She didn't speak to him 
though. There you go, sorry for making you all jealous.
	It's a bit disappointing if Slow Graffiti is really so 
literal, although it goes to show how lucid Stuart's lyrics are I 
suppose. I mean, even though the lyrics aren't;
There's a bloke
With a wife
Who's been having up the bum sex
With the bloke upstairs
You can still understand the desperation of this chap's predicament. 
I've been in two minds for a while whether I want to see The Acid 
House but I don't think I will. I prefer my own version of events. It 
involves dirty skylights and tiled floors and a sailor and is really 
quite exciting. And anyway, I think Irvine Welsh is a tit.

Rising to Alan's challenge, here's a karaoke-story thingy for Lazy 
Line Painter Jane. It's like Belle and Sebastian meets Open All 
Hours, hope you like it:

Here's Jane, working in the village second hand shop - "The 
Joy Of Giving". They sell all sorts of things. Today Jane is putting 
up a poster - "Led Zeppelin world tour 1988", but it keeps falling 
down. Oh dear, here comes her boss, Mr Legs - he doesn't look happy. 
This morning she came in with mud on her knees and now she can't even 
stick up a poster. He's going to give her one last chance. Captain 
Cockle the crusty old seaman is getting rid of some stuff, and he 
needs some of it moving. "You will have a buoy tonight" says Mr Legs, 
"You will have a buoy tonight - on the first bus out of town". And he 
gives her some bus money.

It's lunchtime. Jane walks along the lane past the school. On the 
school field there's a class of girls playing games and running and 
jumping and hula-hooping. Jane used to love PE. She starts running. 
She runs along the street, then down towards the beach, jumping 
puddles and challenging stiles on the way. "Boo to the business 
world" she thinks, she's going to spend the rest of the day on the 
beach. Down on the beach she sees a girl walking from deckchair to 
deckchair, trying to sell holidays to the sunbathers. The back of her 
t-shirt says "tax free". Oh for a job like that thinks Jane, and she 
remembers Mr Legs's booming voice - "You will have a buoy tonight.
You will have a buoy tonight - on the first bus out of town"

Sitting on the sand, Jane turns her mind to other things. Last week, 
whilst licking railings, she found a tiny sparrow with a broken wing. 
She took it home, and ever since it's been living in one of her 
shoes. Now it's getting big, and noisy, and she's worried her mum 
will find out. It doesn't even look like a sparrow anymore, more like 
a thrush in fact - it looks a bit stupid really. Jane tosses a coin 
and the decision is made. She'll buy some rat poison from the 
chemist. That'll shut the bugger up.

Jane stays on the beach all day, and when the sun begins to set and a 
chill wind blows in from the sea, she curls up in a bus shelter to 
sleep. She'd forgotten about Mr Legs and all her problems altogether 
until the first bus from town turns up, and she remembers what she 
was supposed to do. Never mind, she thinks, she can always paint 
lines again.


Hmm... It's not exactly karaoke is it? And sorry about the crusty old 
seaman - I was trying to keep it clean, honest.

Bye for now

			Robin xxx
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