Sinister: FW: And another piece of garbage

[Keith Watson]

Here's something I got sent that I figured Americans travelling over here
would probably be into if they're coming over for Bowliefest.





"Advice for Tourists"

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to  come to
the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what
was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents American.

If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"
- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative
people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands  with your
acquaintances
and tossers when you walk down the street.

Habits

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union
with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain  continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two  or three hour
siesta,
which they call a "wank." As this is still a  fairly new practice in
Britain,
it is not uncommon for people to  oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work
there due to the magnetic  pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper,
simply apologise  and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will
understand and forgive you.

Universities

University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence  patrons
are
expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots  and a small
knife for sharpening their quills. Observing these  customs will signal  to
the librarians that you are "in the know"- one of the inner circle, as it
were, for the rules are unwritten and  not posted anywhere in the library.
Likewise, it is customary to kiss  the librarian on both cheeks when he/she
brings
a manuscript you've  requested, a practice dating back to the reign of
Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat- bottomed
boats,
which you propel using a long pole. This is known as  "cottaging." Many of
the
boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately  owned by the colleges, but there
are some places that rent them to  the public by the hour. Just tell a
professor
or policeman that you  are interested in doing some cottaging and would
like to know where  the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with
vegetable oil  to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a
can of
Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust  dollar,
the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several  times a week
(rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting  your afternoon wank
for).

Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the
UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her  Majesty's
seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE).  When  you go to a fine
restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and  won't settle for
anything less. If he balks at your request, custom  dictates that you jerk
your
head imperiously back and forth while  rolling your eyes to show him who is
boss. Once the waiter realises  you are a person of discriminating taste, he
may offer to let you  peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If he does  not, you should order one anyway.

The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire
and East Anglia-try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat  indeed. When
the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested  amount.  Pay whatever
you think is fair, unless you plan to dine  there again, in which case you
should simply walk out; the restaurant  host will understand that he should
run
a tab for you.

Transportation

Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi
ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a  taxi
driver
tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not,  you charlatan!",
then
grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have  the driver disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus,  pay
your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are  "pence"), and
state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.:
"Please take me to the British Library."  A driver will frequently  try
to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your
requested destination.  Ignore him, as he is only teasing the  American
tourist
(little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be
the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry
is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for  free on theTube.
Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the  base of the escalators
or on the platforms; you will find one near  any of the state-sponsored Tube
musicians. Once on the platform,  though, beware! Approaching trains
sometimes disturb the large Gappe  bats that roost in the tunnels. The
Gappes were
smuggled into London  in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and
have proved  impossible to exterminate.
The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab
your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever  been
killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor  drawback to
an
otherwise excellent means of transportation.

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at  Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an  international
Jewish peace organization-the "shin"  stands for  "shalom"). As savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will  assure you priority treatment
as you
make your way through customs.
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