Sinister: The International Language of Wodka

[Robert McTaggart]

Dearest Beloved,

I've been out of circulation for a bit.  What can I say?  I've been
busy busy, adjusting to this new life of mine.  Keen viewers will be
delighted to hear that Wumpkinny has got herself a job.  A job in the
glitzy world of Showbiz, no less.  So that's good.  Anyway....

Frankko said:

>- -All swedish girls are easy. Have no idea about that one, but I doubt it. 
>Been to those Helsinki-Stockholm-Helsinki cruises (48 hours or partying) 
>quite often, so I should know, though.

Ah, the Helsinki-Stockholm ferry.  Such memories.  Actually, no memory
at all.  I was warned before I travelled that it would be wise to shut
myself away in my cabin after the first hour, because these Vikings
like to drink, especially in International Waters.  Unfortunately, In
my cabin was a 900 year old American who was explaining how exactly
much he hated Finland, to a Finn with a humungous moustache (which
covers 45% of the population, I guess).  After a while, the American
left, at which point the Finn turned to me and said "Good.  The stupid
Yankee has gone.  We must drink wodka now", and poured me a pint of
Finlandia.  And another....and another.  We became firm friends,
despite me knowing half a dozen words of Finnish, all of them filthy,
and him having learned English from John Wayne.  Sadly, he decided to
go ballroom dancing on the upper deck leaving me to wander the ferry
making a complete and utter arse of myself in front of several hundred
bemused passengers.

Genevieve said:

>i still have a strange suspicion i`m not hearing the REAL bowlie facts.

You certainly haven't.  All these earnest recollections of picnics and
football matches and there hasn't been the vaguest inkling of the
glorious debauchery and sordid antics of various Sinisterines (other
than a few allusions to Sting's magic tantric wanking theramin).  You
want to know EXACTLY what Chris Leonard and Nick Dastoor will do for a
pound.  You want to know what Rachel asked my ex-flatmate to do to
her.  You want to know the identity of the part-man, part-horse
creature loitering round the gents, and asking shagging couples if he
could watch.  You want to about the wanton exhibitionsim in the
adventure playground behind the T-shirt stall.  But I'm not going to
tell you.  It's your own fault for not going.

I can, however, tell you that I got my photo in Melody Maker, which
somehow makes me feel closer to Tim "Pinteresque" Hopkins.  And here,
in time honoured fashion, and in no particular order, is my Bowlie
moments top ten:

1 The first Roolz show, an impromptu affair featuring just me and
Joss, in front of an audience of two.  Imagine what we can with a few
rehearsals.
2 The funk soul rabbit.
3 "It's a big pile of chocolate arse" - Keith "Barry Norman" Watson on
Willy Wonka.
4  Tim Hopkins telling me exactly what Exeter fans shouted at
Hartlepool.
5  "The Horn"
6  Keith's Frank Spencer impression, which sounds uncannily like
Roland Rat Superstar.
7  Several spontaneous Cockney knees-ups, all featuring a medley of 
"Turtle Power", "Parklife" and the theme from "Auf Wiedersehen, Pet"
8  Trousers asking me in an archly post-modern fashion for "More than
a feeling" at the Betsy Trotwood, little knowing I'd already cued it
up, but dancing like a rockbeast anyway.
9  Warrander John cooking his tea dressed as a gorilla.
10 Wumpkinny's face throughout Belle and Sebastian's set, worth the
admission price alone.

It's been emotional.

Tag xx
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