Sinister: Elvis Impersonators, Nuns and Bibi Netanyahu... (or "I'm in Jimmy's Gang!")

[Iain McGilp]

Hey pop-kids...

Straying away from the central topics of the day (mainly 
the alleged existence of some sort of Sinister (that's 
sinister with a large "S"; I'm staying out of this 
argument) higher power), I find myself reading that 
Marianne is planning to take advantage of a cheap-flights- 
to-Glasgow offer. 
Innocuous though this may seem, I beleive 
that I must point out (in a cautionary tone) that this 
arrangement will undoubtedly involve Glasgow Prestwick 
airport; which is more than likely some sort of 
trans-dimensional wormhole to a much more surreal world 
than our own.
Having worked in the cafe of this once great international 
stopping point I have witnessed the full horrors contained 
therein, which I have attmepted to catalogue:

1) Prestwick airport is the site of Elvis Presley's only 
visit to the United Kingdom. Hence, during the summer 
months it becomes a mecca for Elvis impersonators, who 
arrive in their bus-loads. Its fairly disconcerting selling 
chip butties to 50 year old businessmen in rhinestone 
jumpsuits.

2) For those of you of an ecumenical bent, Prestwick 
airport offers cheap flights to Lourdes. These were 
originally operated by Sabre Airways, a Romanian company 
who utilised decommissioned military aircraft.

3) Prestwick Airport is a frequent stopover for members of 
the Israeli airforce, and on at least one occaision, 
Benjamin Netanyahu, who was in the U.K. in his official 
capacity as a bumbling oaf bent on causing full scale war 
in the West Bank. A member of the catering staff who will 
remain nameless came within seconds of serving him a bacon 
sandwich.

4) The head barman is best friends with The Krankies  
(N.B.: The Krankies- Truly terrifying Scottish children's 
entertainers. Involves a middle-aged woman dressed as a 
schoolboy. Nearly as scary as the Singing Kettle.), who 
often nip in to visit, being as they are based in nearby 
Ayr.

5) The manager of the catering division (who bears a 
striking resemblance to the late Larry "Shut that door!" 
Grayson) was threatened with court action by a choking 
customer who he accused of having "a very narrow throat".

6) The Airport Security was once told off by the police for 
calling out the bomb squad on two occaisions in a week to 
"De-fuse" suspect packages which respectively turned out to 
be a sleeping tramp and a briefcase full of Dutch porno, 
including a nice line in corprophilia.

7) Prestwick airport is surely the only place in the world 
where a member of staff has been run over by a light 
aircraft. He probably shouldn't have been carrying a tray 
of sandwiches and a bucket of ice-cubes down the secondary 
runway.

Disturbingly enough, there is a slight twang of B&S 
relevance in this note, in that I first heard the band when 
a very cute baggage handler (Prestwick's baggage handlers 
used to have to be able to sing, dance or play a musical 
instrument, in order to entertain weary travellers as they 
went through the routine asscoiated with international air 
travel. For the record the aforementioned girl played the 
clarinet and was a ballet dancer) put Tigermilk on the 
stereo in the dishwashing room. Ever since then I've 
associated B&S with the hiss of steam and the clatter of 
cutlery. (I didn't mention the odour of stale food, cos 
that's not a very favourable comparison.)

Peace 'n' love 'n' sparkling clean dishes,
Iain McG.

P.S. Has anyone heard anything about Glasgow's longest day 
festival this summer (i.e. is it taking place)?
----------------------
Iain McGilp
u02nim at abdn.ac.uk



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