Sinister: The Ballad of Mashy and Tashy

[Iain McGilp]

Hey, hey, hey,
All this talk about pets, especially fish has to stop.
Its making me maudlin, as it reminds me of my two 
long-lost goldfish, Mashy and Tashy (no laughing!), who
met a most untimely and horrendous end.
I sat on them. I'd rather not say anything else, as my 
eyes are misting up as we speak.
Apologies to anyone in Dundee, but Seymour Stein is a 
jammy bastard if he hasn't yet been there. Even 
Dundonians concur that its the shittiest place in the 
world, with the exception of my home town Hamilton, 
which is generally viewed with abject terror by most 
outsiders (Fact: Hamilton was the first place in 
Britain to have the curfew imposed for under 16s. Now 
that's something to be proud of), Montrose, a grim 
former fishing port that is caught somewhere in the 
mid-sixties (you know the town in "Heartbeat"? Its 
like that, only with more neds. And a fishy odour),
and Arbroath, half way between Dundee and Montrose 
(that's bad), which is like Dundee's scabbiest estate 
dropped on the grimmest part of the North Sea coast, 
with the added bonus of even more neds, a huge 
percentage of jakies per capita and a large military 
base nearby, hereby guarunteeing you a good kicking 
every night. For the rest of your life. (An example of 
Arbroath/Montrose patter: 2 minutes before suffering a 
massive heart attack former Arbroath F.C. and  
Montrose F.C. (now officially the worst footie team in 
Scotland. Congratulations to everyone involved.) 
gaffer Tommy Campbell was heard to announce: "Fuck me 
wi'a shovel, I feel pish!").
I got no more to say.
Iain McG.
----------------------
Iain McGilp
u02nim at abdn.ac.uk



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