Sinister: falling falling with my heart still broken

[danielle redden]

 good evening kids.

someone wrote:
>ps...is it really silly to actually be >considering flying over to england 
>just to go to ATP?

i flew over to england for the bowlie.
and for the cancelled ATP.
silly?  yes, very much so.
worth it?  oh indeed indeed indeed. 

someone else wrote:
>I love getting lost. It's impossible to do in >a tiny place like England. 
>That's one thing we've got, here, in America, >a whole lot of the =middle of 
>fucking nowhere=.
>It's easy to feel exceptional when everything >else for miles around is 187 
>cm shorter than you are.

in small steps something is trying to tell me if i should stay in the land of the free
or sail to the old world where a twee boy loves me.
the other day i was in a used book store and randomly pulled a kay boyle book of essays off the shelf, opened the book and started to read. read her story of how she was living in europe during the mc carthy era and all her european friends advised her "don't go back to america now, it isnt your country anymore."  because fascism was rearing its evil head in america, her european friends did not want her to go home, for fear of her life, her freedom. 
in the end of the essay, boyle says "(i decided) no, this was the time to return....this one of the times of history when one must go back and speak out with those of the other america clearly and loudly enough so that even europe will hear."

so of course my situation is different. but i am torn. he wants me to come to england where "things arent as bad" and he can love me close instead of stay here in the states and work and speak out and act and get lost and be far away from him. a dilema indeed. and the suggestions keep coming. soft and quiet. 
"maybe things will look better there because they couldnt be much worse........"

(did you all notice how i nicely slipped in my b&s content? there is more where that came from...)

i walked into my apartment yesterday to find my roommate in tears, sitting on her bed. she was listening to the first track on IYFS. it was her first time ever listening to b&s. it was by accident. my cd just happened to be in her cd player....but my friends, she IS a track and field star. has been for years. will be forever.
and another falls in love
again.
danielle




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