Sinister: Its only Rock'n'Roll, but I like it?

[Sarah Clarke]

BELLEND SEBASTIAN IN "MAD LINT" SHOCKER!
Starring: all of the band, some DRUGS, and some smells.

One day Richard Colburn, the shopping trolley king of Safeways has a mad idea.
"What if!", he thought, "Instead of just sitting in our bedrooms this Friday
night watching taped episodes of Scrapheap Challenge, we decided to GO OUT AND
TAKE SHIT LOADS OF DRUGS?". He thought this was a masterpiece of intellectual
thought, and picked up the telephone and dialed the hotline to his only
friends, members of "Bellend Sebastian". 

Somewhere sat in front of an organ, wearing a cape made by Geoff Capes, was
Chrish Geddesh. Unknown to naive Richard, Chrish had been a fan of the old
Wacky Backy for a long time. So when Richard called, Chrish was far too stoned
to hear the phone ring. And thus he just continued sitting in his chair. Half
an hour  later, he fell off it, and giggled. Lucky for Richard then, that all
the other Belles were in. 

"Hey Gang!", Richard exclaimed, "lets go out and do shitloads of drugs and get
langered!". The band looked at each other in shock. Then they looked at Chris
lying on the floor giggling and decided in unison, "YEAH! DRUGS ARE COOL!", and
rushed out of the house immediately.

At this point I should let you know that Stevie Jackon was wearing a monkey
suit. I don't know why. But I like the image.

After listening to the Magnetic Fields album "Holiday", because its BLUDDY
GRATE, the Belles rush out to Hip and Happening Embra Nitespot, "B-Movie
Themes, Spun By WHO! else but SuperStar DJ Keef Watson"  and all look at each
other. "NO!", burts out cracking top lass Sarah, "we do this every night, just
stare at each other in some kind of wierd lustfilled but nothing ever happens
scenario, aren't we supposed to like um..."..Sarah stopped, her voice trailing
off as she caught the eye of Stuart Murdoch. 

"Bloody hell", thought Isobel Campbell, "aren't we supposed to be taking
DRUGS?". Mick Cookeface, who unknown to Isobel was in fact one of those psychic
mind-reading tarot card believing freaks, nodded and strode off purposefully
towards the nearest person who looked like they could be a drug dealer.

"Excuse me sir", Mick stuttered feebly, "This is the first time I've ever left
the cosy and comforting thatched cottage in which I live, and I want to get
shitloads of drugs for me and my pop pals to take. Can you help me?".

The Evil Drug Dealer Who Is WICKED and BAD grinned evily. "Of course my young
delicious eligible bachelor, helping people is my role in life. What drugs
exactly would you be after?". Mick just gazed at him blankly. "Just, drug
drugs, really. You mean there are different sorts?". The Evil Drug Dealer
giggled his little arse off and ran away. "This should be funny", he thought to
himself. Mick, who was still reading his mind at the time was perplexed. Why on
earth would us taking drugs be funny?

I'll tell you why, says the drug dealer. This is the easiest deal I've ever
made. Apart from a few of the band who I know regulary like to "toke it", the
others are completely useless bimbling imbeciles who, hey, I'm quite fond of
anyway. "Aahahaha, hahahahaha,. hahahhaa" he giggled, as he emptied the clus
vacumm cleaner bags full of the most potent drug ever.....LINT.

The band were getting bored. "Ah, I've had enough of this", said monkey suit
clad Stevie Jackson. "I'm going for some beer", and strode off to the bar. Two
seconds later, a grinning Mick returned. "Hey dudes!", he said (having
unwittingly turned into a bleached blond californian tosswit), "look! I bought
some drugs! The dealer said they should be 'funny', so they must be ace!".
"Hooray", said the band in moderate excitement. And as one, they all headed off
to the toilets together.....together...together....

(that was where the voice was supposed to echo and we have a little fade out
thing).

Cut to next morning, a cinema verité interview with a toilet attendant.

TA: "So they all walked into the toilet cubicle, luckily its a bit like the
tardis once you get in, a Scottish thing I reckon, and I heard all these funny
sniffing sounds. So I assumed they all had colds. I was just about to get them
some tissues to wipe their snotty noses with, when I heard giggles. Oh no, more
bluddy druggies I thought. Not that they looked the type. Then I heard this
wild tormented cry of "Argh! Eek! My head is exploding and my nose tickles!".
Then I heard another cry from the frail voiced one with a triangular-ish face
going "Argh! Eek! I shoved it up my arse!", followed by quite disgusting farty
noises. Then this guy in a monkey suit strode in, going "so wheres the drugs
hep cats?". He made a strangled noise upon reaching the cubicle, and then beat
a hasty retreat. Then I decided I would have a look. And lying on the floor
were lots of dead people. Covered in a mixture of lint, and space dust. One was
Scotlands 48th most eligible bachelor according to Daily Mail readers, and the
others looked like Students who needed some food inside them. Its still beyond
me how they managed to OD on lint. Stupid."

Moral of the story....um...I dunno, I'm bored now. I'm off to do some gardening
in a middle class suburb now, probably involving a disgusting mosaic by some
middle aged retired woman who thinks she's "arty". Vile.

Charlie Dimmock.




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