Sinister: I swear by the look in your eyes

[Tim Hopkins]

Hello chums,

44-24-40
Nice statistics, I think. Don't you?

First of all the swearing competition. One or two
people have mailed me ask for clarification on what
exactly the rules are, which suggests that I succeeded
in making my rules the very spitting image of
inside-the-top-of-a-boardgame obfuscation. OK, here's
a digested version:

1. Make me laugh
2. Send me words which would work as swearwords (for
example "Micking Hell" might well work as an expletive
to be used if you had dropped an anvil on your foot,
wheras "There's a wovewy fwuffy wabbit" probably
wouldn't.) Make them Belle and Sebastian related if
you can. 
3. That's it.

We have had some entries, but at the same time, Honey
isn't exactly drowning in them. A cesspool of his own
making, perhaps, a lake of naughty sinister words, no.

Remember that the prize is a glorious copy of Stuart
David's latest work of fictive genius. There have
apparently been BIG FIGHTS on the streets of Phuket,
Thailand over ownership of this book.  Oh, and I have
prevailed upon Paul to pull some additional copies
from his magic Honey Pants, so you have a good chance
of being a winner. Everyone knows what makes me laugh.
It's easy. Think *puerile*. So come on Sinister kids,
let's get dirty!

Um, sorry.

A couple of other observations from the past few days:

Martin saw fit to ask us all:

>"Aren't gassy men a pain?"

Yes we are, but that fine Bass beer from Burton has
that effect on some of us. Sorry. It could be worse,
it could be Bass beer from Burton and rough cider from
Sidford, Devon, which gives a far more substantial
form of offence. Substantial if not solid, if you see
what I mean. Gassy women are similarly unpleasant, I
find. Gassy dogs are even worse, especially when they
are just old and have lost interest in long walks or
litter trays. Gassy children, however, are fun for all
the family, at the dining table or in front of 'Last
of the Summer Wine' on a Sunday evening. Oooh I can
hear Granny cackling even now.

I cried and cried when Doctor Whatson broke his
silence...

>We ... myself ... Mick Cooke... at the 13th note Cafe
>... King of Glasgow ... rip the "kids" off ... we'll
> get a taxi back home ... Anyone's welcome to come 
> along and pay, please do.

It's a sad thing. I've seen it happen before. Look:

> sorry I haven't posted to the
>list for bloody ages, things used to be really
>relaxed in attitude at work,
>but they're not now I'm afraid to say and I can't
>really post from work.

This translates as "I've started hanging around with
the band and I'm too important, famous and just
all-round good to waste my time posting to you lot
now. Oh, and by the way, I'm laughing up my sleeve at
all the half-understood gossip I read here. I know the
truth, of course, but I'm not telling you plebs. And I
saw Stuart Murdoch's pizzle when he was taking a Jimmy
Jago. So I know exactly how big it is. But I'm not
telling you that either."

Come back to us, Keith. We still love you. We miss
you. I promise I won't laugh at you when you stick up
for pathetically bad 1970s World Health Organisation
records. I promise I won't conjure a mental picture of
you as Graham Bonnet singing 'Since You've Been Gone'
with reflective shades framed by a classic Scottish
indiepop bowlcut. Tempting though it may be.

Mark wrote:

>paunchy townies and their barrel-shaped, slightly
>soiled wives (*vast cultural stereotype ahoy, but
>it's largely true, honest*) 

I'm having to assume that this was a piece of biting
satire on those listies who persist in referring to
townies and pikeys and the like. Because I can't think
of another reason why someone as pleasant as Mark
would come out with such a nasty-sounding piece of
snobbery. Nice satire, Mark!

I couldn't answer any of the questions on University
Challenge this week, but I swept the board on
'Scrapheap Challenge' and also did very well on
'Watercolour Challenge'. Har.

Well, I guess that's all from me for today. Michele
was right, you know, the Scala on Saturday is
definitely the place to be. See you at the bar.

Cheers

Tim




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