Sinister: i whispered too but the things i said were true

[kerry]

oh could it be that time again? looks like i've decided to share my sorry
life with you all.
not to sound depressing, however. but is there any better word than
"sorry," particularly when i feel the need to write to a faceless crowd of
hundreds, nay, a thousand? maybe it's listening to the magnetic fields
that's doing it to me, maybe it's the fact that i have no television to
distract me, and that my primary occupation lately has been playing
solitaire on the big round table in the living room, chatting with my
housemates as they come and go, steve sometimes joining me at the big round
table to play solitaire as well (we have two decks of cards).
   How hard can it be to rebuild my life after losing jon? i'm in a new
place, with familiar people that were never particularly close to me, but i
find myself opening up to them an astonishing amount. is it necessary for
me to resort to drinking and partying with people i barely know just to
meet some new people, maybe a cute boy who will think i'm cute, too. maybe
someone with the same tastes as me, who thinks i'm smart and ambitious,
respects me, appreciates me. all qualities jon lost somewhere back there.
there's the hope he keeps feeding me that he's going to find them again,
that things will be okay again between us. i want to believe him, but i'm a
big fan of a quick fix.
   Of course, the drinking and partying didn't work so well last week, no
matter how nice i looked or how pleasant i smelled. i batted my eyelashes
and laughed honestly and smiled and didn't act like a whore or anything,
but i barely got a glance from anyone, male or female. I don't drink very
often. this was basically out of boredom, a way of bonding with my new
housemates. i had a good enough time, but i'm sure the novelty of dressing
up cute and drinking bad beer will wear off shortly. in the meantime i've
started dressing cute every day, like i did my first year here, when i
wanted to meet boys. when i met jon i didn't dress cute. i guess i want to
compete with the attractive hip girls here that i don't feel like i can
compete with. and only taking one class that happens to be off-campus at a
women's college doesn't help me meet new people very much.
   once again i wonder why i'm writing you this. i think gibby's post
regarding the girl on the bus got me a little sad, thinking about how boys
don't have that reaction to me. like i'm some kind of hag or something.
maybe i smell funny.

obligatory b&s content
in a vain attempt to attract the belle and sebbie kids here i've attached
two of my badges to my book bag. unfortunately, the only thing that's
accomplished is a great deal of water staining on my precious badges. i
guess i'll have to order more soon.
oh, and i heard twattybus being played loudly in one of the houses here as
i was walking by, and it made me smile.


oh dear, that was awfully depressing and you people must think i postively
wallow in self-pity all the time, but it just came pouring out and now i'm
not sure what to do about it. huh. hopefully list mummy hunny won't have me
shot on sight or anything for boring you to tears.

-kerry
Homepage: http://hamp.hampshire.edu/~kwl96/crap.html
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