Sinister: you're everywhere and nowhere baby!!

[ian]

(yes, jeff beck.  its a wolverhampton thing)

hullo...its me..
i think...

yes..two lines into the mail and i'm incoherent already.  well, it seems
that nothing much changes...
its been a right funny few days and no mistake... i return from london to
find a strange message on my answering machine..a suppressed whine, followed
by a half-screamed phrase and then a gurgle.  after a few listens, we
decided the phrase was "help me".  on subsequent plays, it sounded more like
"hold me".

  well, what the buggery bollocks am i supposed to do with that
sort of message?  i can't go out holding everyone i meet, just incase, can
i?  i asked some people at the bus stop this morning if they had been
leaving messages on my machine, and if they wanted me to hold them.  a lot
of them moved away, muttering things about viagra..  so i've decided i'm
just going to hold certain people and hope that one of them is the mystery
speaker.  and if it seems coincidental that they're all sweet faced young
lads then i'm afraid thats one of the mysterious ways of the universe...

oh...that wasn't what i meant to say at all.  from where i'm sitting, rain,
falling against the lonely appartment has set my mind to nonsense..

so.. i had a fun weekend.  big hugs to jim taylor for agreeing to put up
three virtual strangers,  i remember meeting lots of groovy people, although
i wish you hadn't all been so blurred.  sorry to anyone i dribbled on
excessively.

lucy, yes i'm afraid you did introduce your rabbit to all and sundry.  what
is worse, you encouraged me to do the same.  okay, i didn't need all that
much encouragement.  strange that i'm more willing to go up to someone,
shove a yellow rabbit in their face and say "have you met horace?" than i am
to go up and say "hello, i'm ian"...

so, onto other things...last night i met my stalker.  i keep telling him to
go away, back to liz hurley and andie macdowell and that little flat in
notting hill but it seems that my words fall on deaf ears.  he is even now
leaning on a lampost at the corner of the street, flicking a cigarette
lighter nonchalantly and eyeing my window from under a fedora hat.  i've
told him i have no intention of covering him in sunpat crunchy and allowing
my cats to lick it off, i've told him i'm not into stilettoes, and even if i
was, i wouldn't agree to put them THERE... no response.  what should i do?
it seems that the attractions of hollywood are nothing compared to the
lights of oaklands road..

oh...that wasn't what i meant to say at all..

pete said the following:

>Mr. James Herriot again. I thought for a short while of trying
>to apologise for my previously drunken behaviour at the Saint Trinians
>night, but I didn't, for one reason. Have you any idea how hard it is
>to keep a straight face when you're sitting next to someone who:

>a) is dead, dead, famous
>b) met you last when you had "SLUT" written in lipstick on your
>forehead, and
>c) has been seen by Ian having rampant anal sex with an Orang-utan??

actually, it was three orang utans, a milk float, and rolf harris.  i didn't
want to watch but i found myself unable to look away.  and all i'm saying
was...rolf was bottom..  you'd never have guessed what that man can do with
his beard.  (and no, i'm not talking about the one on his face)


Georgie said:

LOVE

AND WOLVERHAMPTON TOWN

wolverhampton town?  are you actually from the fair isle of wolvo?  and is
there anyone else out there from the west mids?

Rob opined:

>Finally, list crush. Do you know what it's like to never have been even
thought of as a >suggestion for a half baked nomination on the list crush
site? Can you imagine such a >thing? The anguish? The ignominy

poor rob.  i too have been overlooked.  it seems, my friend, that we are
mere whispers in the thrash metal concerto that is the story of sinister.
what should we do about this?

something occurrs to me...to become famous in these parts you have to have a
clever name.  "ian" has always served marvellously, until now.  but how can
it compete with the likes of "paula cullen booze explosion" and "carsmile
steve"...?  i suddenly feel inadequate in my lack of syllables...what to be
done?

i am even now trying to think of a dastardly clever name..but so far, i have
only come up with the following:

ianianianianian (not tres exciting)
IANIANIANIANIAN (a bit loud)
zaleoalaoieanian (kinda exotic...yeah!)

suddenly i feel tired.  i think i've typed too many capitals.

so..three letters no more....me and my new identity are off to bed..

zaleoalaoieanian
----------------------------

"monsieur, i am a countess.  i demand to be chained to a nicer wall"


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