Sinister: dad let us drink vodka in the kitchen

[Denise Power]

__________________





---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Fri, 07 Apr 2000 18:13:38 GMT
From: Roisin McGarr <romcgarr at xxx.com>
To: tom at netsoc.ucd.ie, a98bf25e at student.ucd.ie, autumn at pillboxmagazine.co.uk,
     brianod at netsoc.ucd.ie, torney at indigo.ie, citysickness at hotmail.com,
     josiefitz at hotmail.com, naomicasey at hotmail.com, shewolf at tellmeimcute.com,
     university.observer at ucd.ie
Subject: English

Just look what I'm missing in English.

>>> >RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
"You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a
prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of
my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted and Gary - last name
deleted.

English
44A
SMU,
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The 
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his 
or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a 
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another 
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, 
and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each 
time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agreea 
conclusion has been reached."

>>> >-----------------------------------------------------------

STORY:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The 
camomile,which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now 
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he 
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off 
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too 
much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the 
question.

>>> >-----------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now 
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the 
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had 
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he 
said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign 
of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle 
beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. 
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the 
cockpit.

>>> >----------------------------------------------------------

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one 
last pang of regret for psychically brutalising the one woman who had ever 
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless 
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law 
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper 
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared 
out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly 
and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from 
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why 
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

>>> >---------------------------------------------------------

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of 
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its 
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the 
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a 
defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to 
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the 
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to 
pulverise the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly 
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the 
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine 
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the 
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporised Laurie and 85 million other 
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't 
allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

>>> >----------------------------------------------------------

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing 
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

>>> >----------------------------------------------------------

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing 
are the literary equivalent of Valium.

>>> >----------------------------------------------------------

Asshole.

>>> >----------------------------------------------------------

Bitch.

>>> >----------------------------------------------------------


________________________________________________
>>>Paul Bradley
>>>Application Development School
>>>SCHLUMBERGER
>>>Mobile Communications Solutions
>>>Tel: +33 1 47 46 66 67 (Extn. 5477)
>>>Fax: +33 1 47 46 59 31
>>>Mobile: +33 6 09 37 04 89
>>>Email : pbradley at slb.com

______________________________________________________
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