Sinister: tired of whys, choking on whys, i just need a little because

[christa]

its raining again and there is a parrot on my windowsill.  its sheltered
there, so i suppose its not too strange.  my cat seems quite interested in
the goings-on... they're eyeing each other suspiciously through the old
fashioned crank-out window.  he's meowing to be let out, but i want the bird
to stay.  at least long enough to show me what to do next.  is he here to
help me decipher late-night whispers about trust and permanence?  will he
help me figure out what "the long haul" really means?   this boy i know
promised me he'd never let me leave, and that means something.  perhaps this
bird will bring clarity..?

the cat is catnapping now, aware but indifferent.  the bird is winking at me
"you know what to do"; he ruffles and flies off.  and it does indeed become
clearer.  because i know, deep inside, that i won the fight.  i am content
in the knowledge that i have won.  all the happiness and bunny-rabbit finger
puppets in the world are mine.  that boy laid the world out open in front of
me, and i am finally ready to accept it.   as my own.

"Somebody's Song"

    This is what i vow:
He shall have my heart to keep;
Sweetly will we stir and sleep,
    All the years, as now.
Swift the measured sands may run;
Love like this is never done;
He and i are welded one;
    This is what i vow.

    This is what i pray:
Keep him by me tenderly;
Keep him sweet in pride of me,
    Ever and a day;
Keep me from the old distress;
Let me, for our happiness,
Be the one to love the less:
    This is what i pray.

    This is what i know:
Lovers' oaths are thin as rain;
Love's a harbinger of pain-
    Would it were not so!
Ever is my heart a-thirst,
Ever is my love accurst;
He is neither last nor first;
    This is what i know.

-Dorothy Parker

--------------------------------------------------------

now on constant repeat:  "wild is the wind"- catpower
                                      "don't cry"- mogwai

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