Sinister: the ever decaying sense of being

[n|ck g]

i'm not quite sure why i am writing this. for i know none of you and, in 
fact, don't even live on the same continent as most of you, but still, 
because of my own lack of friends, i feel the need to just be heard.

yesterday i went to the doctor's after delaying for about a month. they 
performed hours of tests and sent me home to sit by myself engulfed in fear. 
they don't know if what they found is cancer or just an abnomality within 
the limits of normality. since i am only 21 this is quite surreal and 
frightning for me.

this brings to mind many questions about my own life and those around me. 
what is it at the end of our lives that we will want to look back on and 
appreciate. i know that it won't be material possessions. nor will it be how 
much money we made. instead i think that it will be what we have experienced 
and seen. possibly the question of happiness will come into play. how then 
does one go about obtaining happiness? if one was so inclined how would they 
go about becoming this way and maintaining this state of mind? obviously no 
one can answer these questions but our selves. i just thought that i might 
make at least one person re-evaluate their life. i have been. i have come to 
learn that nothing in this world means shit if it doesn't mean anything to 
you. everyone knows that reality is realitive. i may not be living my life 
to the fullest but i can say that i am trying, which is more than most on 
this earth can say. hope that i might have made some of you think and 
possibly brighten your day for doing so.

nw

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