Sinister: The virgin Joseph

[Joe.Ballard at xxx.uk]

Hello fellow belle-ends!  Don't look now, but I'm NEW and I'm NAKED.......
I don't know quite how I got here but I like it and I really don't want to
go home just yet.

Here is my story

I fell in love two months ago.  It was on a bus and it was with B&S.  And
it was my pal Lorraine wot dunnit.

Me and Lorraine used to sit together at work and tug each other's hair,
laugh at each other's trousers and pull rude stunts with sausage sarnies
from the staff caff.  Crazy days.  I thought she looked like Jarvis Cocker
with breasts and I wasn't afraid to tell her so.  She smirked and said I
looked like Morrissey with a mysterious wasting disease.  I said "fine" ...

The days passed in a slow blur.  The hours came and went every sixty
minutes.  The public transport system sent us round and round in circles.
Then one sticky Tuesday afternoon in Joon Lorraine threw a tape at me.
"Prick up your ears boy.  It's about time YOU got with the NOW" she
declared before skipping off to do some more photocopying.  The tape in
question (IYFS and TBWTAS) fell into the bottom of my knapsack and set
about collecting grains of tobacco and broken biscuits.  Not a spool moved
until the following Saturday...

Friday night fizzed and bubbled and eventually went flat and tasteless,
just like the premium lager I was drinking in foolish amounts.  My brain
took a right old pounding.  Victoria Coach Station early the next morning
was like a wet Wednesday in hell with early closing and dogshit on the
pavements and everything.  Crawling like a broken stick insect onto a
dismal National Express coach I felt horribly feeble, nay WOEful,  and was
barely able to untangle my walkman, insert the cassette and press play
before folding myself into a sickening contortionist slumber.  But
byJimminy was it worth the effort...

                          ***THE HAPPY ENDING***

... I awoke near Beaconsfield with a start, and found myself in the middle
of a pop-up revelation (you know the sort of thing: I was dreaming, I was
sleeping, I was stuck to my seat).  "GET ME AWAY FROM HERE I'M DYING" sang
my headphones and I couldn't have agreed more even if I tried.  Except I
could, cos I was no longer dying, I was... well ... alive!!!!  Hello trees,
hello sky, hello clouds.  Hello B&S.  In the ensuing minutes I tangled with
the Major, ran myself ragged in terry-towel underwear, mused on my top ten
wanks, shed tears of delight at the woo-woo noises on sleep the clock
around and generally did my nut over the belle and the boy sebastian.  And
then did it again.  And again.  And again.  You could have seen my grin
from Mars...

And the rest is double history followed by CDT.

All I can say is thank you forever Lorraine -  I didn't mean it about
Jarvis.  And hello belle fiends.  Can I stay?

luv Joe

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