hiya sinistroonies
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sorry sorry sorry
my multiple mails were a result of a) over exitement brought on by the onset
of christmas and finally being let out of the nursery, and b) i keep double
clicking on the send button, must stop that then! my wrist has been firmly
slapped by mummy and i've seen the error of my ways *sorry*
my thumb's *really* sore coz i stood on some fairy lights and crushed them
with my clod hopping feet and as i was tidying it up a tiny piece of glass
has lodged itself under the skin and i carnt see it to get it out. bugger
(to continue on the bad language theme)
anyway, for any of you who were insulted by that revocation of independance
thing here's a reply which puts us brits in our place once and for all (or
until next time)
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
Ireland, we welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be
exciting for you to see a real republic in action, even if from a
distance. As always, we're amused by your quaint belief that you're
actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o,
chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On
the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new
policy (for the 96.3 percent of you that seem to have forgotten that you
have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to
continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It
seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards
step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled
a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
"aluminum" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name
"aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the
name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other
elements. In 1925, the United States decided to switch back to the
original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we
dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the
process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a
Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the
Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering
that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a
crazy American Civil War veteran named Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll
talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 =
2.15).
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked Lock, Stock,
and Two Smoking Barrels, Trainspotting, and The Full Monty. We've also
heard good things about this Billy Elliot. But one good movie a year
doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty
well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has
an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that "Rule Britannia"
ditty, it's toe-tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In the
Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United
States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics.
United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro
2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your
fans start an international incident. Hey, we've got more soccer moms, too.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top-notch candy. Salt 'n' vinegar
chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your
country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are
soggy beans and warm beer. Perhaps when you finally realize the French
aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is
that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing,
it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a
car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins.
That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for Teletubbies.
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian
soap operas.
P.S. Regarding WW2: You're welcome
'and thats all i have to say about that'
'till next time
seeya
pez*
"I may not have been the greatest president but I've had the
most fun in the last eight years."
-- Bill Clinton to a roaring crowd on Wednesday
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