Sinister: be warned, i'm on a bit of a downer

[rachel tucker]

hello hello hello hello

i've really scared myself today, i very nearly hopped on a train to glasgow
an hour ago for no apparent reason. i got in the queue for tickets and
everything...luckily just as there was only two people in front of me i
managed to turn round, walk out of the station and sit on the steps. had a
couple of cigarettes to try calm myself down, but i was still shaking as i
got on the bus back home. i only went down there to renew my railcard and
cos i needed to get out the house.

i've done it once before. i was 13 at the time, and the year i was 13 has to
be the worst of my (admittedly rather short) life. one day i just couldn't
handle it anymore. i'd been skipping school regularly for months just to
wander about and i wandered down to the station and got on a train to
manchester. i honestly believed i was never coming back. the scary thing was
it was so easy just to go. except for the fact that i went end of january
and it was fucking freezing, so come about half ten that night i went back
home again.

since then i've always suppressed most impulse actions, so i thought i'd
kind of grown out of it a bit. i hoped i had, cos it frightens me what i can
do on impulse. that's why i've been a nervous wreck since i got home, and i
just needed to write it down to clear my head. it's not like i'm even
particularly unhappy at the moment, in fact i'm enjoying most things right
now. i just don't understand why i keep wanting to pack it all in. i'm not
even interested in travelling. all my mates are on about going to thailand
and africa and australia for the year before they go to uni, but it doesn't
even slightly appeal to me. i just fancy a change of co-op. i might even go
for tesco's.

anyway, i'm calmer now.

sarah said about queer as folk 2:

>Wow. It gets no better. Hopefully the lesbians won't be in it so much this
>time. And we get more STUART'N'VINCE.

yay! stuart&vince, stuart&vince!! it's not often that screen couples have
just so much chemistry and are so, what's the word? easy to empathise with
that all the time you're watching them you're just willing them on, and
can't possibly miss anything, any little look or gesture (maybe this merely
displays how utterly useless i am at relationships that i get so involved in
those of fictional characters...). the only truly fantastic couples i can
think of who were absolutely compulsory viewing are elizabeth and mr darcy
(pride & prejudice) and anna&miles (this life). but stuart&vince are the
ultimate. i hope they never actually get together though, the unrequited
love has gone on too long for it to work (why? why am i seriously debating
an imaginary relationship? i am sooo sad...) but i'd like to be proved
wrong, for vince's sake.

ooh, just want to say thank you to everyone who's been telling me about
michael and john head and pale fountains. cos of what happened at the
station i never made it to hmv today, but i will be going for a bit of a
hunt at the weekend.

something else is bothering me too, but i'm not sure how to say it without
sounding a bit bitchy. oh what the hell.

i've been listening to the bowlie tape, and although i'm assuming that there
were other songs done, i'm worried by the fact that the only songs i hadn't
heard were non-struan songs. and all the whisperings coming out of the b&s
camp is that almost everyone's written stuff for the new album. has
previously undiscovered writing talent suddenly made itself known or is
struan going through a bit of a bad patch and the rest of the band are
carrying him or what?

 i'm not dissing everyone else's songwriting abilities here cos i really do
like all the songs that aren't stu m, but it was the mighty murdoch's songs
i fell in love with y'know, so i'm a bit panicky. especially now that stuart
david has left the band. i know the general feeling on the list seems to be
one of 'it's for the best' and obviously there'll still be looper, and
that's A Good Thing, but i can't help feeling it's a loss that could really
make itself felt. maybe i worry too much. i hope so.

on that rather depressing note i'm off.

lovin' and leavin' you all my sweetpeas

rachel xxx

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