Sinister: of forgotten thoughts and remembered dreams

[Justin Williams]

Afternoon dreamers and thinkers,

After much hesitation and thought I've finally brought myself to at least 
attempt a first time in a long time post. For those of you who don't know 
me, which I imagine is just about everyone on the list that doesn't 
frequent #sinister, my name's Justin. I don't post for the same reason most 
people don't post: although I have many beautiful concepts and thoughts 
floating through my head at any one given moment, putting them into words 
is a task to which I rarely feel prepared. Even now, I am fully aware that 
I am just tip-toeing word to word, hoping that a mosaic is being created 
before my blind eyes...all the while knowing it will be nothing of the 
sort.  Every now and then I get the notion that the key lies in being able 
to communicate exactly what one is thinking at the moment, and not what may 
have been stirring around in one's head an hour or day before. That of 
course is highly relative.

Another reason I don't post is that I have fallen a little back in my B&S 
listenings. The feeling, you know, is still very much there...just nothing 
tangible at the moment. Because of that, this will probably be my last post 
for another, what 5 months or so? I just don't have anything new to say 
about our boys/girl, and I can't seem to muster the creativity to expound 
on any of the subjects spinning around lately (depression, sexual 
preference, etc.). That brought me to thinking about the nature of 
creativity, which I won't go off on, but I only get the desire to post when 
I feel "divinely" inspired. However, I find myself confronted with a 
double-edged sword in the sense that once I feel inspired, when I sit down 
to communicate that eternal feeling associated with listening to well 
crafted music...I draw a blank. Nothing I might say could even communicate 
one-twentieth of what I'm feeling. I know there is no conceivable way that 
I am the only one on the list to experience this, but I may be one of the 
only ones who can't seem to overcome it. For example, last night I was 
laying on my couch listening to Mojave 3, and all of a sudden I had an 
insight into the essence of our world. And by "our world", I mean the world 
of those of us not only on sinister but the world of anyone who feels like 
music is simultaneously a healing process, a time-capturing device (I 
always feel like albums encapsulate certain times in my life), a magical 
event (at times), and an unknowable evoker of other-worldly emotions. These 
traits are obviously few out of a million, but you understand what I'm 
saying. Well the insight I had wasn't something I could reason out or 
really even comprehend fully, but it was a definite feeling. And without 
wanting to sound overtly idealistic or naive, the feeling was love. No 
matter what kind of song I'm listening to (as long as it is one I like), 
the mood it conveys is just an off-shade of love, even if it is the most 
depressing song I've ever heard. To me, love is an all encompassing emotion 
that has been almost irreparably bastardized by misinterpretation and 
misuse. I really hope I'm making at least a sliver of sense, because this 
is rather hard. This is not something that I can communicate well, but if I 
didn't at least try I don't think I could live with myself. I guess the 
bottom line of what I am trying to say is, music is perhaps the only device 
I have for experiencing my humanity. It is the only device I have for 
feeling at one with all that exists. I wouldn't want to live if music 
didn't exist, and I don't say that out of haste or assumption. I know it is 
true without hesitation.  I also regret having to sound dramatic, but I 
guess I'm a bit desperate. Well, that's enough out of me for awhile 
kids...if anyone wants to continue this "conversation" privately I would 
absolutely love to, but otherwise this may be the last you hear from me in 
awhile. I will still however continue to enjoy the wonderful works of prose 
that you kids put out daily. I just want to say thanks to all of you. 
You're my people and although I don't interact with you that often, I 
wouldn't be the same without you.  Right, take care everyone...

Justin xo


"My mother was a tight knot,
  Bound up with false guilt.
  Strapped up in her fearing
  A wall she had built
  An independent girl in a dark and cruel world,
  She lost the way to say 'ok, now lay back'

"We disagreed on most things.
  I shouted peace and love, the family of mankind, the symbol of the dove...
  She only saw the surface of things before her face,
  But I was young and argued on for hours." - Donovan, Age of Treason

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