Sinister: Don't read this mail if you're stupid.

[Alasdair Cook MC1996]

Well spin my top, knock me down with a fork lift truck and call me
Simon, that were a top weekend. Tigermilking had the advantage of
starting at 8pm so I kept looking at my watch, thinking I'd been there
for ages, and I had, and there was still ages to go! Always! Until it
finished of course. I'm still filled with the memories of being
continually taken from behind by Drunken Matt, who wrestled back his
sobriquet which he almost relinquished to me a few months ago with a
superb display of unsteadiness.

Being followed by strange men, walking past shops with the windows newly
smashed and avoiding street brawls with men screaming "NO, PLEASE NO!
AARGH!" were also undoubted highlights. Hackney is such an up-and-coming
area.

I also managed to set a new record for tiredness, by combining no sleep
in 44 hours, 5 hours of dancing and enormous amounts of alcohol to
produce the desired effect. That of death. Fun though. The only
depressing thing was being reminded by Alix Campbell that she's not on
the list anymore, but we can't have everything in life, can we children?

Mum Robinson:

> I'd like
> more info about hippy shit please Michelle. And obviously this is not just
> to annoy someone who turned down booze for a snooze on a Saturday night.

That was the man who had his name changed by deed poll to "public house"
at the age of 18. Left me questioning my entire belief system, that did.
I mean half past eight! Unfortunately I then made the mistake of reading
his contributions to the last (not latest) edition of Papercuts, and was
forced to forgive him. Damn. I was also reminded that Peter Miller is
the dirtiest man in the universe. And I think I love him.

Ian:

> i have some news...i am expecting jesse spencer's baby!  yes, its true.  the
> eagle-eyed amongst you might have noticed that the irresistable billy from
> neighbours was appearing in panto in wolverhampton.  well, let's just say
> that he couldn't resist a nice boy when he saw one.

My mum saw Live and Kicking (saturday morning kids tv show, non UK
types) the other week, and Ian's latest lay was on it, and apparently
his favourite singer is Jeff Buckley, which I would never have guessed.
My mum was very pleased, because everyone on the show looked very
confused, but she knew who he was! (He's the dead one, right?")

Anyway, here's a story about a squirrel which I'm going to make up now
cos I'm bored.

One day, Toby the squirrel was driving through the forest in his 1964
Pick-Up, when he heard a cry. It was "Help, help, someone please help
me, I'm in terrible trouble !". Toby stopped suddenly and got out. He
knew he could be wrong, but he had a hunch that someone was in terrible
trouble. Anyway, on the way to where the voice was coming from he
tripped over a guava and scratched his nose a little, but that doesn't
really matter, I mean he didn't need a plaster or anything, though even
if he had done he wouldn't have got one, I mean who ever heard of a
squirrel with a sticking plaster, the idea is patently absurd. Anyway,
he finally got to where the voice was coming from and found a rabbit
standing outside the front door of his house, shouting and bawling. "I'm
Toby", said Toby, not wishing to lie at such a perilous time. "What's
the matter?". "Oh, hello", said the rabbit, by now slightly calmer
though still shaking slightly. "I'm Mr Convenient-Plot-Device, thank you
for coming to help me. As I said earlier in the story, I'm in terrible
trouble. The situation is thus: I need to get my house (actually it's
called a warren, thought Toby, but he didn't want to make the rabbit
more upset by telling him this) redecorated because the famous Brer
Rabbit is coming to tea tomorrow afternoon, and the place looks
terrible, I mean look at it, it's all seventies browns and lava lamps.
As soon as the famous Brer Rabbit sees it he'll laugh his fucking head
off (there's no need for that kind of language, thought Toby, but he
could see that Mr C-P-D (it was funny the first time, now it's just long
to write) was very upset, so he forgave him), and then I'll never become
a member of the Board Of Trade. "Oh, that's easy", said Toby, "just pop
down to Ikea and they'll sort you out a treat, what with all their cool
coloured chairs and modern Scandinavian outlook, fashionable yet
functional with lots of great little bits and bobs and well". "Oh,
cheers", said Mr C-P-D, and off he went, leaving Toby at the end of the
story.

Epilogue:

Mr C-P-D redecorated his home and had the famous Brer Rabbit over for
tea. Unfortunately he accidentally poisoned the famous Brer Rabbit with
a piece of dodgy veal, hid the body in his wine cellar and is now a
fugitive from justice, like Harrison Ford.

Toby had a chance meeting with Dexter Fletcher from TV's "Press Gang" in
a massage parlour, which has led to a successful acting career. He
already has a part in the new Star Trek film, "It's An Even One So It
Must Be Good", (as Lt Commander Bushytail) and is currently shagging
Julia Sawahla.

The author takes no responsibility for this short story being donkey
shite. Them's the breaks. He will however claim copyright infringement
if he finds anyone using the name Toby. Anyone found using the name Toby
will be ordered by law to change their name to "Cocksnatcher" forthwith
or face the consequences. Anyone found using the name "Mr
Convenient-Plot-Device" will be ordered by law to spend the rest of
their life in a mental institution.

Hope this is one of the good ones, Mum. 

Love and funny tinglings,
Alasdair xx   

"Utterly unoriginal"

PS. I know she still reads the list even though she's not on it, so a
huge thanks to the only good thing in Hackney, the gorgeous Muncher, for
putting me up and doing general looking after me duties.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
   +---+  Brought to you by the undead Sinister mailing list  +---+
  To send to the list mail "sinister at missprint.org". To unsubscribe
   send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
  "majordomo at missprint.org".  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students" +-+
 +-+  "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper        +-+
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+