Sinister: I was gonna say something about the cruellest month...

[Will Porter]

...but I've got an issue about other people thinking I'm derivative.

ipecac sed:
> once a man
> came into my work and felt the need to comment on how short i am by
> saying: "you must be some sort of pygmi or something"! i just smiled. what
> could i say? i'm practically 5'3" i didn't think that was THAT short.

Could be worse.  As I was home for the holidays, I was getting pleasantly
drunk in one of the local dives.  I went into the bathroom, and was having
a perfectly delightful wee, when a mustached man of about 45 (and no
pixie himself) clapped me on the back and said "You're a big kid!  I bet
you play football [the merkin kind]!"  I responded "aw, not anymore [a
baldfaced lie--I never did play football]."  He then proceeded to ask me
when and where I /had/ played football. After much stuttering and a couple
more lies, I tried to leave, when he gruffly shook my hand (not having
washed his own), introduced himself, and proceeded to ask if I used to
block for Longwell (our town's sole export to the NFL--a kicker), to which
I responded in the affirmative [another lie.... maybe I should get help].

hmm.

Also, as I was home for the holidays, I became further convinced that
Oregon is a much, much better place than Texas.  Case in point: I've never
met anyone who, never having left Oregon, proclaims  it to be 'the
promised land' or 'the best place on earth.'  In fact, most of us complain
about Oregon and how badly we want to leave until we end up in someplace
like Texas, and find out that Oregon is really quite nice.

with regard to all of us being tiny, I am not.  I stand 6 feet, 4 inches
(something like 1.95 meters) and I have mighty big shoulders (and a bigger
waist than I care to admit).  I would like to be small though--does that
count?  Incidentally, when dealing with tall people, remember that when we
get things off of the top shelf for you, we are doing something nice, and
it would be nice if you showed some sort of gratitude.  Oh, and don't call
us 'big guy,' we've heard it before, and it wasn't even funny the first
time.

regarding high school athletics, I swam.  This resulted in no end of
teasing and badgering from the wrestling team, the members of which 
apparently thought there was something scandalously homoerotic about
swimming, but not about wrestling (even the Greco-Roman kind), though I
still can't guess why.
And so began my days of being just a little ashamed about what I do.  You
should hear the mumbles and stutters I emit while explaining that I'm a
librarian.  
If any of you foreign types think /you/ don't like americans,
imagine growing up with them.  I often find myself muttering 'yeah, but
they're /my/ dumb bastards.' 
To be fair, I'm not sure if it's just my countrypeople I don't like
because I haven't really been anywhere else, except Canada, which is a lot
more like the US than Canadians like to admit.
There, I said it.


uhm
ok bye
Will
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