Sinister: Le Mystère des Voix Welsh

[Peter Miller]

Who was in the gorilla suit? That's easy. What happened was this: - whilst
relaxing before the show, Tom Jones caught a glimpse of lovely Isobel and
asked if she'd keep a welcome in her valley for him after their respective
performances. Isobel replied that she was sorry but she never cops off with
Welsh perverts, so sod off you sheepshagging taffy tosspot. Tom, used to
getting his own way with the ladies, was naturally fuming, sitting in the
corner moaning why can't this crazy love be mine and so on. Ever the
ruthless businessman, Staurt Murdoch spotted his chance and went over to
whipser in the Cardiff Lothario's ear. He offered to sort him out with
Isobel, school uniform and the lot, in return for the chance to do a
fantastic LLPJ duet on Tom's next duet album of duets. Staurt's plan was for
Tom Jones to dress up in a gorilla suit and attack him during "Legal Man".
Staurt would then use his boxing skills to deck the fucker. Isobel, true to
form, would think it was a real gorilla and take it back to her dressing
room to look after it, and Tom Jones, without ever removing his gorilla
suit, would cunningly seduce her and make love to her, or at least get a
look at her knickers, before clambering out of the window and shinning up
the drainpipe. Unfortunately Stuart hit him too hard and gave him priapism
and he had to go and see a Harley Street nob specialist instead of getting
his end away. So there, another mystery solved. You say there's a prize for
this?

Speaking of underwear, a listee who shall remain nameless suggested I make a
periscope out of a cornflakes packet and two mirrors. Well thanks, Big Dave,
if I had a cornflakes packet that big, I wouldn't need a periscope because
I'd spend all day marvelling at my enormous cornflakes packet.

An interesting article in the paper yesterday, regarding a new publishing
emporium, called Attack Gore. They've published books called "Satan, Satan,
Satan" and "Sex, Sweat, Blood", described by The Big Issue as "an attack of
sex, drugs and violence that make Quentin Tarantino look like Mary Poppins".
The article concludes, "In October, "Tits Out" by Steven Wells will appear."
Now there's a turn up.

Peter

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