Sinister: Despite all your paint, a woman you ain't.

[The Masculine Marine]

I feel a bit silly now. I worry that maybe I offended the masses (as we
all know full well that Robbie--mod that he is--wouldn't say anything
that wasn't profound and didn't speak the universal humanity within us
all) in my comment about men wearing skirts. So I'd like to make this
clear:

Men in skirts are all-right, and though I think they tend to look worse
than they do in trousers (or nothing), all that amounts to is that *I*
don't fancy men in skirts. But I don't fancy most men anyway. In matters
of taste discrimination is a good thing, right? Right?

Right.

I retrieved a list of everybody who was on Sinister, in a bit of a moral
plight, and I consulted my magic 8-ball as to their opinions on my
becoming something of a Sister of Mercy (but a dirty one). It seems
like, although nobody has yet expressed their approval, nearly everybody
believes that this would be a good idea, and would like to take part.
1226 out of 1227, in point of fact, if you'll believe that. But who was
the holdout?

Will 'perfect--he told me so!' Porter. I turned my 8-ball his way last
of all, as I feared such a thing would happen, and that his claim of
wussiness would hold true neath the spectre of such an overwhelmingly
consistent display of popular opinion. But no! he had the pluck to stand
by his convictions. And I respect that so much that I...

...officially renounce my affiliation with the Sinister Village Centre
for Libidinous Rehabilitation. It's for a good cause, really, as I spent
several hours at the library confirming what had hitherto been just a
horrifying supposition.

/me baits you all viciously. He is such a tease!

That's something that I will unveil to you shortly, but needs some work
yet.

I also feel like I wasn't warm enough in my praise of our dear Miss
Scarlet's gallery. Its degree of fabulousness is outweighed heavily by
Her own personal stock, for showing us all a fantastic (and much-needed)
lesson in web-mistressing. The title?:  Give the people what they want!

--which, in this case, turned out to be HER PANTS!

Yes, dear folks, not 24 hours after I gently pointed out that the
gallery was surprisingly modest, Erica Herself remedied the fault, and
rendered a great service to philogynists everywhere. And did you see the
way she wears that hat! What elegance! What a neck!

Don't worry, children, we're almost done.

Somebody posted something about this earlier, at a point when I was far
too idle to make note of it, and now I've simply lost interest in trying
to *do* anything. But I would like to announce that I will be making a
special public appearance at the Beulah/Gomez gig at New York's Roseland
next thursday night, as part of my 'Striped Jeans Retirement Tour 2000'.
Yes, I learned another one of those lessons that children ought to learn
from TV but I somehow missed:  if you're pulling trousers a bit down
your leg and they spontaneously rip, although you can repair the tear
without much difficulty, it's probably good to just let them go.

So, to those of you going, and would like to be shocked and offended
beyond your wildest dreams, e-mail me, if that's your thing. Or if you
show up and see a boy in line with red hair, blue eyeliner, and a My
Bloody Valentine shirt, go up and slap him. Or spit in his face. He
probably deserves it for thinking something nasty, past or present. He
might even be me.

But for those of you eager enough to e-mail me about this, I offer a
special competition. The first 7 people to respond to this ad with 'I
wanna be adored' in the body of their message (to be fair, 5 real-time
listees and 2 digestives) will qualify for a special drawing. What will
the winner receive? A detailed narrative of my preparations for that
stop on the tour, on a mini-cassette, rendered in my very best Serge
Gainsbourg voice. The runner-up will receive the very best vocal
rendition I can give of a set of steak knives, done in my very best Vin
Diesel voice. So act quickly! Ballots are limited!

Content? I went record-shopping to-day. I flipped through every page of
the April issue of Select, but when I got to the picture of Stu and
Belle and the dog, I laughed so hard and so long that I felt I had to
buy it (as I was standing two feet--literally--from the shop owner). I
stopped laughing hours later when I realised that I had spent 8 dollars
on it. But it *is* an adorable picture.

-Paralis

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