Sinister: Cut you hair son, you look like a hippy

[Alasdair Cook MC1996]

I know many of you are waiting with bated breath, or possibly some other
kind of breath, for the new and undoubtedly wonderful edition of
Trousercuts. As everyone knows, each issue features a Top Ten things of
the past few months, and if you don't agree with at least three of them
you are automatically removed from Sinister. Anyway, tired of waiting
and bored generally, 
I shall now offer my own top ten of the year so far. So here, in my
humble
opinion and in no particular order, they are:

1. The Private Diaries of Zeppo Marx.

These recently released diaries are quite beautifully written, and
chart the career, private life and torment of one of the twentieth
century's brightest stars. They also reveal the relationship of Zeppo
to the other Marx brothers, and their unfortunate jealousy of his
talents which threatened at times to tear the family apart. An extract
follows:

Jan 17, 1934.
"Since Chico plays an Italian, I thought it would be real funny if I
covered my face in boot polish and played a stupid African. However, the
studio execs say they feel my talents would be better put to use in the
role of the romantic lead. Those guys know squat about comedy."

2. The Second album by The Relaxation Effect, "The Windows Are The Eyes
To The House."

Ever since the release of their first album ("Postmodernism And Its
Effect On The Elbows") early last year I have been wetting my pants in
anticipation of this record. I have not been disappointed. Put simply,
this is a quite stunning crystallization of their ethos ("To make music
which is better than all the people who aren't as good as us."), and
left
me drained, confused, and very very happy. Singer Richard Praugroque's
lyrical talent seems to improve at an almost exponential rate, While
Guitarist Tom Hendrix (who changed his name after being "inspired by the
poignant loudness of the dead sixties guitarist Jimmy Hendrix. He opened
the door for a lot of young black musicians who were starting to
embrace, and be inspired by, the rock and roll music invented by Elvis
Presley.") weaves a Bayeux Tapestry of pure emotion, unmatched currently
in the music world. Their talents complement each other like shit and
flies, never more so than on the album's best track, "There's Only
Garbage
And You Left Inside Of My Soul". On this incredible number, Hendrix's
guitars seem to drift in and out of consciousness, creating a rainbow
palette of sound over which Praugroque sings some of his most plaintive
lyrics: "I can't believe you left me standing/Alone in the street
without a
head/You say that I'm just too demanding/But you know I'm a fucking
dynamo in bed." The Relaxation Effect are a rare jewel. Treasure them.

3. The decision by Scottish Passenger Transport to change the number of
the bus from Glasgow    to Milngavie from the 119 to the 109 every half
hour.

This bold move reinforces the role of the bus as an artistic statement
in
an increasingly mobile yet ultimately empty society, and not before
time.
Fifteen of the countries foremost mathematicians and twelve unemployed
philosophers came together to work on this project, which had a budget
of half a mllion pounds, and after six months they came up with this
number, based on the theories on Gauss, Keirkegaard and Monkhouse. Some
critics feel that 108 would have had a greater emotional impact, but I
for one think that 109 says more about the role of the bus in the 21st
century, and its paralleling of the journey of the soul. 109 ginves a
rare insight into the bus' mirroring of the body, as an ultimately empty
yet necessary vehicle. A
triumph.

4.  Richard Hixon: Stand-Up

These recently discovered tapes give us a fascinating glimpse into the
early career of former President of the United States Richard Nixon, as
a stand up comedian. As one would expect given his later career (which
he chose to pursue full time after much deliberating and an offer from
Las Vegas), politics is the topic of choice for much of his
performances, though this is undercut with some wonderfully witty
observational humour. A choice monologue follows:

"You know ladies and gentlemen, if there's one thing I hate its a liar.
Don't you? I have a friend who's a habitual liar. Can't stop himself.
This is a man who tell tales so tall they get signed up by the New York
Nicks! I mean, this man does so much lying, he never gets out of bed! Ha
ha, I
can see you know what I'm talking about, miss! But seriously folks..."

5. The new McDonalds advert

This is one of the best adverts I've seen on telly for many a year,
possibly even the greatest since Shake and Vac. If you think that's
going too far, well then that just tells you how genuinely excited I am
about this landmark commercial. For any of you who haven't seen it, it
features Ronald McDonald killing a cow with a automatic rifle, before
going to eat the raw flesh of the dead animal. However, just before he
puts the heart of the beast in his mouth, a McDonalds employee offers
him a Big Mac, and he decides to have that instead. It's always
wonderful to find that a company as large as Mcdonalds have the ability
not to take themselves too seriously, and for this they should be
applauded.

Hmm, this seems to be going on quite long and I'm hungry, so I'll give
you the next five in my next post, unless enough people beg me not to.
Bye.

Alasdair xx
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