Sinister: Free Jenowl Ram! Keep on smiling and everything will be cool...

[Alasdair Cook MC1996]

Has anyone else noticed how June 5th will be the greatest day in the
history of POP? Not only do wur ain B&S (copyright David Belcher, every
review) release their breakthrough smash-hit album, but Magnetic Fields
(I think) finally get a release date over here for 69 Love Songs, and
Baxendale's (seminal. Perhaps) first album will be available for all you
pop tarts. As if that weren't enough, the new Daphne and Celeste
(official queens of P!O!P!, in my house anyway) single is finally out to
warm our summer hearts and insult ugly people. You know, if someone were
to tell me that the Visitors album is released that day as well I might
just have to make June 5th national God Of Music Is Smiling On Me day.

I never thought I'd be happy to see the rain, but this morning it came a
pourin' down down down, after a week and a half of unseaonably (for
Scotland) hot weather. I had gotten used to being permanently sweaty,
then I was just wet. And now it's sunny again, so, er, yay probably. I'm
so fickle. It was 19C last night at 1am, which is a bloody miracle. 

The sporting Gen said:
> I blame this all on the alluring 
> Velocity..she's got me all a titter with talk of girl Sinister FC taking on 
> the boys.

I keep trying to get more girls to play, but none ever do, much to my
disappointment. However, I have been promised a game on the girls side,
as long as Vel can find a dress to fit me. I bet the girls are better
than the boys, anyhow. And prettier. Except Nick Dastoor, as no-one is
better at footie or prettier than him. And that's a fact.

Speaking of ol' mousy, he uttered:
> I
> blame Alasdair's malicious gossip
 
after former listee Chris said:
> pop down to london sometime, and say hello. I hear
> that you have a scene down there, while ally or
> someone agreed with me that in glasgow its just mostly
> normasl people who like the music..... as opposed to
> sequin studded TWEE folk.

Aaah, I knew there had to be a reason why I keep coming down to see you
London lot. It's not because I like you all loads, no no no, it's so I
can laugh at you all behind your backs for being pretentious and TWEE
and just generally all arseholes. Of COURSE! 

Mark was also heard to mutter:
>  If you make some sandwiches or bagels or,
> heaven forbid, bring a camping stove, you're bound to get a big wet kiss
> from Ally/Erica*, depending on your preference.
> *subject to me not getting a clout round the earhole from one of the
> aforementioned lovelies.

No clouts forthcoming. Any plan that gets me more snogs is generally
welcomed by me, although I'm not sure when I got promoted to the status
of male Erica in terms of good-lookingness. An obvious oversight on
Casarotto's part, I'll let it go for obvious reasons. If you're so very
good looking then why are you on your own etc etc sob sob. (Is this
pathetic attempt to win sympathy and friends fooling anyone? Anyone?
Beuller? Sorry, Ian did that one didn't he?).

Now here's Robbo:
>  Cookie
> you're not welcome at this picnic you big Glaswegian nob end, if you
> come I will have to shove a metronome set to maximum cha cha up your
> pettite derrier and run you over with a flymo.

Martin, if you even THINK about coming near me with a metronome OR a
flymo I will shove my fist so far down your throat I'll be able to
retrieve the remnants of last night's lasagna from your stomach. Which I
will then take great pleasure in smearing all over your stupid,
Morrissey-quiffed head. Not that I'm a violent man, but some people eh?
Your turn, Martin.

This morning, as I dragged myself out of bed after about 4 hours sleep,
I sat up and through the haze of my half-closed eyes, a vision appeared
before me. The words "What people used to eat" were just there, in front
of my eyes, which was really fucking weird, but anyway the upshot of it
all is that now I'm forced to do the first in an occassional series,
entitled "What people used to eat." This week, "What people used to eat:
During World War 2".

Elspeth McIver of Clydebank recalls "I remember the bombs, you know?
Yes, lots of bombs. And the planes. German, I think they were. Yes,
German. What with the rationing we had in those days; we had rationing
during the war, did you know that? What with the rationing, there were
lots of things you couldn't get to eat. And sometimes a German pilot
would crash-land in the town square. They were very tasty. A bit salty,
mind, but substantial. We'd have a party in the square while we roasted
the German over an open fire. Ah, those were the days. It was wartime,
you see, so everyone just pulled together. Not like today's society,
with these vandals who sit on my lawn. At least Hitler had the decency
to kill himself."


While Ronny Jones of Coventry says "I was stationed over in Egypt, you
see. I fought in the Second World War. We won, did you know that?
Against the Germans. And the Japs. Little slanty eyed beggars. Never
trust a Jap, that's what I say! And look at me! Anyway, they have camels
in Egypt, did you know that? They're very big are camels, lots of meat
on them. Anyway, food was short, it was wartime you see, so we had to
find alternative sources of nourishment. So what we did was, we ate the
sand. Very good for you, sand is. Lots of protein. And there was plenty
of it, so we never went hungry. It was wartime, you see, so everyone
just pulled together. Not like today's society, with these vandals who
sit in my shed. At least Winnie had the decency to defend Poland."

Right, for anyone who's still reading, here is a transcript of some of
B&S's press conference, as featured in The List magazine. Enjoy.

Q: You're fond of Scotland, so how come you're holding this press
conference in London?
SM: To save you a train fare 
RC: No, he's from the list.
SM: Sorry. If we were doing this in Glasgow you wouldn't get away with
it. People would be like "who the fuck do you think you are?".
Q: Your fans have a reputation for being scarily obsessive. Why? 
RC: Do these people look obsessive to you? (points to fans)
Q: Er, no.
A FAN (i.e. "Scary Obsessive" Casarotto): Your fans are obsessive
because you're the best band in the world!
Q: Why don't you do interviews?
SM: We did a few right at the start and I did a few personally. I just
kind fo went off the idea. I just didn't particularly enjoy them too
much.
Q: Why?
SM: Well, talking about yourself is quite a weird thing to do. I felt
like bit of an idiot. I think we've all been frustrated by talking
openly to people and then what you've said being misinterpreted and put
out of context. The only answer is simply not to do them. I think by
inviting everybody here there is no way of what we say being
misinterpreted because there are so many people here.
Q:By being here rather than in Glasgow is this an concerted effort to
get the attention of more people? To get bigger? To get on TOTP?
IC: I'd love to be on TOTP.
RC: Holding a press conference like this is just a good thing to do.
Play a few records afterwards, get a little party going.
MC: Also it's an obvious thing to do, all the press is here in London.
It's practical.
CG: Also I think if we did this in Glasgow we'd be perceived as being
really awkward people.
Q: Aren't you perceived as being awkward anyway?
IC: We're not awkward people actually, we're just not puppets. There's a
huge difference, you know.
Q: Has it ever occured to you that by not playing the game, by not
marketing yourselves, that this, and I'm not saying this is in any way
deliberate, is how you are now marketed?
MC: Well that is frustrating, if that is overshadowing the music.
Speaking personally, if that is the case then I'm not pleased that that
is what we're known for.
Q: Where did the new album title come from?
SM: The album title actually came from a piece of graffitti written on
the back of a toilet door. It was 1986 and I was new to the college and
new to the city and I thought: "Why should somebody write that? Is that
from a book that I shoudl have read?" I was very impressionable at the
time and it seemed like a really smart and serious thing; it really
stuck in my head.
Q: What's the get-up in the new press shots? (Photos of the band in
aristocratic gear, Chris & Mick as Little Lord Fauntleroy types etc)
Well, we spent quite a long time making the LP and recorded it in a
fairly plush studio in a posh area of Glasgow and sometimes I'd pinch
myself on the way to work in the morning. I feel incredibly privileged
and ask what am I doing in this place that looks like Star Trek? We al
feel privileged so that's maybe why I suggested everybody dress up in
aristocratic gear.
A FAN:(Do we know who? I think someone mentioned it but can't remember -
AC) There is a song on the new album, 'Chalet Lines', and perhaps I'm
being idealistic, but is it right that you as a man should be singing a
song in first person about a woman being raped?
SM: It's a story about somebody I worked with at Butlins years ago. I
try to empathise, to fit it into a song. There's no more or less drama
within the song, I think. That's as much as I can really say.
Q: What about live dates?
RC: We're working on that just now, we're taking our time, we've got to
get the sound of it right, y'know. There's no definite dates right now.
We want it to be spot on.
MC: It'll be late summer.
Q: Did you hear Steps, when receiving some awards for selling the most
tickets or something, make a crack about "at least it wasn't B&S." What
did you think of that? (I think Steps in fact thanked B&S for not being
up for the award, if memory serves. It was for most albums sold I think.
- AC)
SM: It's a bit of a laugh, really. I haven't heard many of their
records, but it strikes me they come from an older school of
entertainment than the average boy or girl band. You'll probably take me
out of context, but they're sort of freaks. They're a strange sort of
holiday camp type thing. But y'know, good for them. They sell zillions
more records than us. 
Q: If Steps are just entertainment does that mean you aspire to
producing something higher?
CG: Well, when you spend a year, a year and a half working on a record,
you maybe hope that it's a bit less disposable than Steps, but that's no
disrespect the fine productions of Pete Waterman. If you put that amount
of your life into something you hope it's of some value. Obviously, you
can't judge that yourself.
SM: It's kind of up to you to decide what you prefer, because we do what
we do because we enjoy it. We feel we have to do it, at least at some
points we have to do it, we have to write songs, and of course for Steps
it means as much to them. It's just you have to decide what you think.
Q: Where does your obsession with buses come from?
SM: Glasgow's got a great public transport system, the best in the
world. Especially since First Bus took over from Strathclyde Buses it's
been even better. You've got to experience it. If I've written about
buses in songs in the past it's because I've spent a lot of time on
buses, or I have done. It changed my life when I got my first bus pass
(Roars of laughter around the room). You may laugh, but at the time I
was on the dole and it made a big difference.
Q: Why as a band do you come over as so fey and underachieving?
RC: Leave it out with the underachieving; we've got a Brit award, mate.
Mind, we probably shambled into that in an indie-like fashion. It's
people reading into the music and people think that's what we're like.
Which is fair enoguh, but personally, I'm not like that.
Q: I heard a rumour you've been pictured in a leopard skin catsuit. Is
this a homage to Rod Stewart?
SM Yes, it was. I was thinking of making Christmas cards. It was years
ago. There's a lovely picture of Rod.
MC: It's on Blondes have more fun.
SM: I've only seen a postcard of it. It's all this (gesturing the
contours of a catsuit) with the horse and stuff. Great picture, y'know.
So me and my friend Andrew trudged out on a freezing day, I had on
leopard skin trousers and a denim jacket. We took pictures but they were
all out of focus. I never made the Christmas cards.
Q: There was an article in the Face recently saying contemporary music
has little substance and nothing to say of social relevance. Do you
think you have a responsibility to speak for people?
SM: The only responsibility we have is to make good records.

Well said sir. At last this post ends. Sod that 15 minute rule, this has
taken me bloody ages to write and it's still rubbish. 

Alasdair xx
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