Sinister: sinister exam paper

[ian]

(firstly, just an aside.  if you don't know me, ignore this and scan down to
the dotted line below.  i've been pretty much offline for the last 3 months,
and have fallen very far behind with my private correspondence.  i'm
catching up slowly though, so please nobody think i'm ignoring them)

right, to the point of this post.  the sinister exam paper.  are you ready,
my adorable amigos?

here it is..
-----

sinister exam paper may 2000.  part one.


you must answer ONE of the following questions...:

1. make up a mildly amusing but utterly irrelevant story about sarah
cracknell.

2.describe what you had for breakfast in minute detail, with an amusing
story tagged on the end about how you got really drunk and copped off with a
boy and now you can't remember what his name is, and you're not sure if you
should speak to him anyway, and...if you did your hair like this, would it
look a bit like sarah cracknell?

3.
">I'm not quite sure what ian's thesis is, but it reads very nicely.  I do
have to take issue with his assertion that anyone who tries to change the
world for
the>better ends up doing more harm than good, though.....
>what about Martin Luther King or William Wilberforce or Nelson Mandela,
or...someone else not involved in black emancipation?"

discuss prof n. dastoor's comments from his seminal work "i can't stop
thinking about stuart pissing on walls", with reference to belle and
sebastian, happiness, charles manson and life in general.  avoid extensive
reference to sarah cracknell.

4. "twee".  discuss.  at length.


Question 3

("quelle suprise" i hear you cry...)

question:
discuss prof n. dastoor's comments from his seminal work "i can't stop
thinking about stuart pissing on walls", with reference to belle and
sebastian, happiness, charles manson and life in general.  avoid extensive
reference to sarah cracknell.

answer:


    "the world is just a great  big onion".  (gaye and terrell, 1969)

    in their earliest successful thesis on the state of the world, marvin
gaye and tammi terrell ponder the inherent sadness existing on the planet,
and present a radical hypothesis.  they suggest that much of the trouble the
human race experiences can be ascribed to the essentially vegetable nature
of the planet, and assert that:

"the only way to get rid of this great big onion/ is to plant love's seeds
until it dies"

    this appears to have been a commonly held perception during the early
years of what has now become known as the "gobshite school" of perception.

the gobshite school is of course, a thoroughly respected academic
institution which persists to the current day, notable recent output being
steps's wry and witty postmodernist update to the work of gibb, gibb, gibb,
gibb and glibb, in which they assert that

"when the feeling's gone and you can't go on, its a tragedy".

    the gobshite school, for all its persistence, has never felt
particularly compelled to back up suggestions of this nature with hard
evidence.  however, the fact that gaye and terrell tapped a commonly held
social perspective of their time is evident when one considers that this was
the same decade that saw booker t's outrageously dry social commentary
"green onions", and the beatles' suggestion that the world might be better
perceived by "looking through a glass onion".  the onion hypothesis still
holds some validity to this day, whereas more recent attempts to compare the
world to carrots, aubergines and pomegranates have met with indifference, if
not outright derision.

    as gaye and terrell offer little but circumstancial evidence for the
onion hypothesis, any serious consideration of it must be conducted in
conjunction with a lengthy programme of research.  literal attempts to
"plant love's seeds" often prove unsuccessful.  most horticultural
establishments do not stock such a product, indeed, my requests that a
certain blonde 18 year-old assistant at the notable "homebase" chain of diy
and garden centres assisted me by supplying seeds of this nature resulted in
a brief but unpleasant encounter with law-enforcement officers.

    the onion hypothesis, and the suggested solution must, therefore, be
taken as metaphorical observations.  my research into the ramifications of
this brought me into contact with several opposing philosophical doctrines,
and neccessitated an examination of the tunes of the modern "popular hit
parade".


    love's seeds, it seems are little in evidence in today's modern musical
world.  despite constant reference to "love" in the popular music of today,
it appears that any concerted effort to facilitate the introduction of this
type of philanthropic farming is sadly absent.

    however, there appear to be a number of marginal cults which hold the
worldwide dispersal of "les dandelion-clocks d'amour" (see ref. 1) as a
priority.  scott plagenhoef (see ref. 2) in his widely-misunderstood work
"i think they've got another face/ its not a fault of mine these days"
refers to a little known faction known as the "tweehuggers".  he is not
wholly supportive of this movement, indeed he expresses the opinion that:

" For one, I'm hopeful that "twee"doesn't come out of the closet".


however, his work does contain the first serious examination of this
little-cherished movement.  the tweehuggers are, it seems, a group of people
who:

"use frilly language, wear frilly
things, and show a liking for all things cute, furry, shiny, sparkly, or
old-fashioned such as the classic cardigan and slippers combo" (ref 3)


    although it is by no means the intent of all tweehuggers, it seems that
many adopt such a stance with precisely the intention of using it to spread
the seeds of love throughout the world.  it seems that many of the members
of this group see the adoption of a twee stance on life as a radical
repudiation of mainstream society with its inherent aggression and
unhappiness.
     there are several components to this repudiation.  these can
be summarised as:

1.  appearance.  (see above quote from david hoveringsoul)

2. demeanour.  this maringal cult seem to believe that being "kind" and
"respectful" are a sound basis on which to build their lives, a clear
contradiction of current mainstream thinking (ref 4)

and finally, and least importantly:

3. musical taste.  it seems that, among the members of this group, there is
a factional, even obsessive, following of the music of the obscure folk-rock
groupette known as "belle and sebastian"

    the reasons for this cultural leaning amongst the tweehuggers are
unclear.  however, several suggestions have been put forward.  these include
the assertion that belle and sebastian produce music which balances the
flippant irony preferred of the rock critics of this period with gentle,
occasionally introspective observation.
     although their music often reflects the darker side of existence,
occasionally even delving into "the twilight world of the nappy-wearing
homosexual", there is frequently a central compassion for the subjects
observed and a genuine sympathy for the daily plight of the mundane,
uncaring universe faced by the personae within the songs.  this daily plight
is doubtless one that has been experienced by the writers themselves and is
one that is frequently reflected on by the tweehuggers who populate that
particularly rabid arm of the belle and sebastian following known as the
"sinister" list.


    it would appear that many of the tweehuggers rely on the output of this
musical aberration to occasionally restore their stock of the seeds of love.
many, indeed, go further than this, and like to project their own desires
out onto the group, believing that the mission of belle and sebastian is,
like their own, to spread peace and love throughout the world - to kill gaye
and terrell's onion with kindness.

    this is, however, merely a projection.  belle and sebastian appear
deliberately vague in their public position on the compassionate slaughter
of vegetables and their front-person, a mr. murdoch has even been heard to
use the word "cunt" in public.  although this does not appear to resonate
with a twee perspective on life, it must be remembered that many of those
who follow the "yellow-brick road to twee city" (ref 5)
are aware that the end destination cannot be a permanent one.  these
intelligent, thoughtful individuals are fully aware of the banality and
violence of everday life and are simply trying to offset it by adopting a
non-confrontational stance.

      this stance, paradoxically, becomes confrontational when viewed
through the glass onion that is mainstream culture.  many commentators see
it not only as wilfully naive, but also as destructively stereotypical and
demoniacally insane.

 it would seem, therefore, that the tweehuggers epitomise the fundamental
dichotomy of modern existence.  strong enough to be different, yet soft
enough to care, these individuals have adopted a non-violent stance to the
world which in itself becomes absurdly challenging.

        in conclusion, it seems that the seeds of love can be spread in many
ways, and that a direct fight against the aggression of society - a "fire of
angst against a fire of anger" (ref 6) - may not always be the most
successful method.  in promoting their own doctrine of non-violent
resistance and adopting a hesitantly supportive spokesgroup in the
individuals who go under the collective title of "belle and sebastian", the
tweehuggers are one example of the quiet revolution that may or may not be
happening in the heads of the nation.  there is, therefore, much validity to
prof. dastoor's statement that pursuing an action to improve the world is
not neccessarily a waste of time.  this may be done in more ways than is
commonly accepted.  the onion of the gobshite school may soon develop into a
far less challenging nectarine.

 vive la revolution, and pass me my cardie.


        to conclude, i realise that i haven't actually answered the question
but that was because i changed my mind halfway through this piece.  in
support of such behaviour i would like to quote the eternal wisdom of
gorky's zygotic myncei - "i didn't finish my essay/ 'cos rock n roll is
okay" (ref 7), and to point out that utter subordination to an arbitrarily
chosen discussion topic is a mark of weakness of character and lack of
imagination.  i would also like to mention that i have incriminating
negatives of each of the examiners and am willing to use them if necessary.


thank you for listening

ian

References:

1. e. macarthur "why flora IS the new KY", new statesman 3rd feb 2000.
2. pigeon fancier's monthly, 6th may, 2000
3. d. hoveringsoul "i never REALLY wanted to be famous", hello magazine 7th
may 2000
4. l.alder "an introduction to chainsaw-murder", knitting today 18th aug
1997
5. c.manson "why i'm really very, very nice",  modern psychopath june 1999
6. a.ross "bollocks to all that", sociology for kittens october 1903
7. "spanish dance sooper troopers", whips and whipping, september 1999
-------------

grade: c

marker's comments: you paid very little attention to the question posed,
utterly failed to mention charles manson and martin luther king, and only
gave a superficial answer to the topic under discussion.  however, we are
used to this from you and it is creditable that, on this occasion, you
managed to avoid mentioning sarah cracknell.

in addition, if that was you in the public conveniences behind wolverhampton
bus station on friday night, you were damn good and i'll pay for the
negatives.


-----------------------------------------------
Tomorrow will bring happiness
Or at least, another day

Phil Ochs
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