Sinister: Bah.......humbug!

[Pamela Tait]

Hi kids. Pamela here. And today I'm going to talk about:

Christmas Shopping.

If you want to stay in a good mood today, then don't read this.

OK. The season of goodwill to all men? Yeah right. It's so depressing. Loads
of people are on their own at this time of the year and it's not something
you can fight back against. Christmas isn't going to go away. it's
everywhere and trying to pretned you don't feel more lonly and alienated
from society is futile. And for those who actively involve themselves in the
whole festive thing: - I pity them. Why cause yourself all this unnecessary
stress just because people expect you to run around queueing for Foot Spa's
in Argos, trying to find necklaces and then fighting for the last turkey at
M&S? I sometimes wish I could slip into a coma and wake up in february,
after all the sales have finished. I know it's pessimistic and depressing,
but it's the way I view Christmas. It's never going to change. I avoid
sending cards. It's so hypocritical. Most people aren't religious at all and
yet they spend all this money on gifts and cards that are to mark a
religious occasion. I can see the point in getting smashed at New Year. It's
the end of another year. And most people need a good rink after all the
bullshit of Christmas. The whole Xmas thing is so false. I feel like
shouting at people in shops: !Why are you buying that? When was the last
time you set foot in a church or chapel? I'm quite sure the person you're
buying that for would rather you went home and had a cup of tea instead of
getting stressed out over a fucking tie!!!"
The Jehovas Witnesses have the right idea. They don't give gifts at
christmas. This girl I knew was a Witness and at christmas, her parents
bought her a puppy. I'd prefer that. I'm buying myself a kitten in a weeks
time. I'd rather have something like that than a telly or a new watch. And
imagine the joy of buying a puppy or kitten, instead of queueing in a busy
shop, hoping they still have a bloody Man United top in the right size.
Nowadays when people buy gifts at christmas, they don't feel good about it.
they're just glad that it's one more problem out of the way. I hate that
feeling and if I actually venture out into the crowds, I try not to get
pissed off when a buggy clips my heels or when I find that perfect gift only
to discover some absolute waste of life has torn the box open and remeoved
the pen/nail varnish/chocolates. Okay, so as a popular brand of loo roll
once said: "A puppy is for life, not just for Christmas..." but excuse me
for stating the obvious; wouldn't you make sure the puppy was wanted before
you ran out and bought one? To make matters worse, it's either raining or
(dear God....) snowing at Christmas. This adds to the hell. As if it's not
bad enough walking about for hours with uncomfortable shoes on, feet often
end up wet, cold, wrinkled and if you don't actually have a cold, you can
bet your banana you'll have one by December 20th. Snow's nice to look at but
it's a pain in the posterior when you've to walk through it. I'm not
anti-kids (I'm pro-kids! The world needs more of these little humanoids!
They are the way forward!) but if you can find a babysitter, please leave
them at home while you shop. They cry, touch things, add to noise levels and
make it all the more stressful. It's not fair on them, either. When you were
under ten, did you like the idea of shopping for slippers? You didn't? Well,
put yourself in their shoes for once and leave them indoors. These creche
things in supermarkets are a wonderful idea. Especially since most people
can't find a babysitter 'cause EVERYONE'S GONE MAD AND EVERYONE'S SCARED TO
STAY IN INCASE THEY MISS SOME VALUABLE SHOPPING TIME!!! I'd also like to see
more people leaving their mobile phones at home during the shopping period.
i know they're useful if you have to call your brother (who's been standing
in the Boots queue for half an hour) and ask him what ring size your Auntie
Anne is. I see people answering their phones and they're unable to hear what
the caller is saying because there's tacky Christmas music blasting out over
a tinny tannoy reception or there's a three year old having a tantrum in the
other aisle. We've all seen them: screwed up face mouthing "WHAT!?!?" and
clearly unable to walk out because they're about to be served in The Mother
Of All Queues. I see them and I want to hug them and say "Go home and watch
COuntdown....". The text message is useful but switch the ringer off. It's
going to piss everyone else off, let alone your self. As disgusting as my
habit may be, I wish they'd let us smoke in the shops. Those of you who are
non smokers will no doubt be repulsed and shockened by my uncaring and
irresponsible attitude but all you smokers out there will know what I mean.
Just a quick puff when you're stressed - that would do me a world of good.
Every major department store or megastore should have an E.S.B. An Emergency
Smoking Booth. I can see the in-store notices now:
"Feeling stressed? One of our helpful staff will look after your
bags/children/vibrating phone and keep your place in the queue while you
spend a much needed five minutes getting a fix of nicotine in the air
conditioned booth situated at the rear entrance."
In fact, I'll send my ides to Debenhams right now. You never know, there
could be a job in it for me......

Phew. I've terrified myself of going outside now. I think I've darkened
enough souls for now. Look, Christmas is a bit of a con. I know we're all
conforming to it to to some degree but just take notice of what I said. I
know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

*thinks of staring up a Christmas Shopping Support Group*

Be nice. As the Radiohead sticker says: Don't Be A Dick....

Mail me if you're stressed, fellow Sinisterians. Perhaps it would be worth
your while asking your friends if they want a puppy or kitten instead of
golf clubs.

Stay safe, people.

Lots of love and understanding looks....

Pamela
xxx

......................................................
I AM OBSESSED WITH BOTTLE GREEN MINI COOPERS. FEAR ME..





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