Sinister: The Not-So Mundane Life of Mister Stout

[Robin Stout]

Good evening

	After a crisis meeting with my bank manager on Thursday, I 
stepped onto the escalator that leads from my bank manager's ivory 
tower to the sodden streets of this fair city. As I glided down the 
staircase (1), my oblong bag swinging like a briefcase by my side, I 
felt like a proper man. If I was asked when I was twelve what I would 
be doing when I was grown up this would be it, and there I was doing 
it. I felt like I was a real person, who could be in a book called 
"Robin Makes Waves" or "The Not-So Mundane Life of Mister 
Stout". I stood up tall, and braced myself for an afternoon of 
conferences and crisis-meetings. Then I remembered that I'd only 
been to see my bank manager because I was broke and aimless, 
and walked home to watch Fifteen-to-One.
	A funny thing to do when watching Fifteen-to-One is to name all 
the people after how they look, so a bald person would be Mister 
Bald, and a scared old man would be called Mister Trembler. 
Usually, whenever I do this the winner is Mister Beard.

	On Thursday evening, I went to see "Belle and Sebastian" DJing 
here in Nottingham. Of course Belle and Sebastian turned out to be 
Chris and Richard. After being let in an hour late, we realised that 
Chris had in fact been replaced by a fat man with breasts, so "Belle 
and Sebastian" were in fact "Fat Man and Richard". It was a good 
nite, though.
	I got hungry just before they finished so I ran out to the chip 
shop and bought a box of chips. As I waited outside for my friends, 
eating my chips, and the bouncers stole half of them ("Oooh, 
vinegar, that's great. I love vinegar - it kills the grease"), I spoke to 
the girl on the door.
"Don't you think it's a bit crap billing one person as 'Belle and 
Sebastian?' I think some people were a bit disappointed"
"I suppose. I don't think we could fit in the whole band, though. 
There's thirteen of them."
"Oh"
"Hey mate, can I have another chip?"
"If you want"
	So in one night Belle and Sebastian went from having seven 
members, to two , to one and then to thirteen. I was very confused. 
Let's be honest, I'd have been in bed already if if wasn't for those 
dreams about obstacle courses.

	Well that was last Thursday. Since then I've been economising 
due do the wise words and steely gaze of the bank manager, and 
just staying in and working (2). If anyone has any ideas for fun 
things I could do without spending any money, I'd like to know. At 
home at the weekend my mum tried to fill me up with dumplings so I 
wouldn't have to eat for a week, but it doesn't work. Tonight, though, 
a certain someone will be cooking a meal for the two of us, and we 
can do inexpensive things all evening. In the end you know, all the 
best things are free.

bye then

	Robin xxx

(1) Important Safety Information: http://www.eesf.org/

(2) My Life's Work: http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~ppyragg/
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