Sinister: Do Nothin' Till You Hear From Me

[Pauline L. Shivers]

Oh dear!
Hello sinister! Isn't it a relief that I have an
audience of how many? 1300 people I think, to listen
to my problems? am I egocentrical? Yes, absolutely!
Lots of things happened since I last talked with you.
Theodor got a job for Arthur in his club and aunt
Myrtles visited her friend Patricia Hendel in Paris to
talk about the wedding between Theodor and Patricia's
daughter, Miss Constance Hendel. Poor aunt turtle. If
only she knew!
As you all know, we got rid of the macaroni dandy,
signor Giovanni Gregorio di Cornutto! That was the
last good thing that happened in my boring little
life!
So, Arthur got this job in Theodor's club. Theodor was
so happy about it as he could see him everyday in the
club and share his bed every night! The thing is that
we didn't give Arthur the credit he deserved. What
does that mean? Bear with me and I shall explain...
I had this long conversation with Theodor the day
after the "big events" occured in the cottage.
Remember that godforsaken weekend! He admitted his
homosexuality to me, I assured him that he was still
my favourite cousin and that I'd stand by his side and
help him with his affair with Arthur.
And you can imagine with big aunt Myrtles away in
Paris for a week, Theodor's affair with Arthur was
blooming! Since that week though the affair took a bad
turn. Theodor rent that little flat in a quiet part of
the city, a quite poor one admittedly, for obvious
reasons where he could give a home to his "unorthodox
affair". It seems that Arthur took some polaroids of
Theodor and himself in various... erm.. poses!
And just one day before auntie's return he started
threatening Theodor that he'd expose him starting with
aunt Myrtles' unless he was willing to pay for him to
conceal the whole thing and burn the photos.
Theodor is such a nice person but quite a wuss, if you
know what I mean. He freaked out completely and he
came running to me with tears in his eyes in panic!
I don't know what hurt him the most: Arthur's betrayal
or the fact that his good reputation was in danger.
He had this huge fight with Arthur; Arthur said he
never loved him, and that he was actually no
homosexual but he knew he could gain something from
this whole story; He also said that he had the hots
for me and that he would be willing to ask for half
the money if I'd go to bed with him! In your dreams,
Arthur!! I mean stay with your hovel boy! I always
said that I had this thing for commoners but I'd never
give in in any silly blackmail!
Theodor didn't know what to do. He hasn't got this
amount of money in the bank so we had two options:
either he'd borrowed the money or we'd let aunt know
about the whole story. I thought we should tell aunt
Myrtles cause maybe then Theodor could skip marrying
that horsefaced french floosy! And, yes, we told aunt
Myrtles! We let Arthur come along with the photos and
showed them to her! Oh dear! You should have seen her!
Her neck stretched again but this time in giraffe
proportions! She turned all red and her eyes popped
out. I was really scared that she'd have a stroke or
something! I wouldn't be that devastated, believe me!
She's a tyrant! We'd all be much better without her.
Then she raised her eyes to poor Arthur and nailed him
with such a look! I felt glad I wasn't in his shoes!
And she said: "And what exactly can I do for you now
young man?". Arthur said he wanted half million pounds
to destroy the photos and keep his silence! Aunt
Myrtles said nothing for a while. Silence was heavy
and the atmosphere in great grandfather's library so
intense that you could feel it crawling across your
skin. Then she stood up from the ludovician chair
after she took a sip of her tea and said that since
there was nothing she could do she'd give him half the
money now and he should burn all the photos in front
of her, and the other half on Theodor's wedding day!
And if Arthur even thought about cheating in any way,
he'd find himself in a really unpleasant place and in
a really unpleasant position. Of course Arthur agreed!
He had no choice really.
Poor Theodor! I wonder what he's going to do now.He
has to marry this french floosy obviously! I saw him
hiding his face in his hands in pure despair. But what
can anyone say? Love Hurts! And eventually kills!
As for me... I met someone I really liked; he's not a
member of the aristocracy, he's just a musician; but
he has a great mind and an even greater body! I met
him on the picnic day, that was on Sunday! Me and
Althea thought that we could have a little picnic on
our own in the Prague botanical gardens, so we asked
aunt's chef to prepare a basket with salmon and cute
little cucumber sandwiches and of course Althea stole
a bottle of dom perignon from her father's cellar!
That's where I met him. His name is Anton. I think it
was my red knickers and the way I flashed them that
made him come over and ask for a light! what a lame
excuse really! But he wasn't lame in any other way,
mind you.
But I'll tell you all about me and Anton in my next
post as this one's too long already and I need to go
for afternoon tea. You know how aunt Myrtles gets!

                 Pauline L. Shivers

that makes sinister all quivers
she's that aristocratic slag
who lives and reigns in Prague


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