Sinister: A grand day out

[Lucy Alder]

Yesterday, Miss Lixi and I boarded the bus at ten past ten and headed for Oxford.  The sky was
blue and the clouds were rococo.  Before long I was drinking tea in a garden full of chickens. 
Stripe was big and fat and well-behaved and she cooed at me when I stroked her back.  Chanticleer
crowed to his heart's content, but rather upset the contentment of those of us who had to listen
to him.  Major Major kept running away.  But we couldn't spend the entire afternoon in their
company, for there was picnicking to be done.

Have you ever tried lardycake?  It's the bestest cake in the world.  To make it, you roll out your
dough, spread it with lard, sprinkle it with raisins and fold it in half.  Then, you roll out the
dough again, spread it with lard again, sprinkle it with raisins again and fold it in half again. 
You repeat this process a few dozen times until the whole thing is dripping with grease.  Then you
bake it.  I mean what I say- it's the bestest cake in the world, and a classic English delicacy. 
Unfortunately, Oxford's bakeries were all closed and Sainsbury's only had jam doughnuts, so they
had to do.  We shared them out under a willow tree on the banks of the Cherwell, whilst sipping
delicately from plastic cups.  Coots and moorhens swam past and we fed them Trolli Burgers.  A
brood of cygnets gave us the evils and we gave the evils to a silly arse who thought he'd impress
his ladyfriend by playing Bob Dylan songs to her on a punt.  Remember arse-dancing?  We saw
arse-punting.  You don't get that up Greenwich Hill.

We got the back seat of the London bus and drank gin like the rebels we'd like to be, before
falling asleep like the softies we really are.  I went home, snuggled up under my new duvet, which
is the colour of bluebells, and dreamed of dappled sunlight on rivers and the end of the summer. 
Yes indeed, autumn is on its way and fashion spreads will be full of redheads wearing shades of
moss, damson and amber for the next two months.  Myself, I'll be wearing black, with a smear of
red lipstick.

Juicy Lucy

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