Sinister: at least i'm a queen

[lindsey baker]

hello sinister.

in response to the somewhat desparate calls for posts, here i am again.

it has been brought to my attention, as of late, that i, your very own
lindsey, am a drama queen. this is a label i use infrequently myself,
bestowing it upon only those truly worthy of the title, but to bear it
myself, well, comes as a bit of an eye-opening surprise.

it occurred to me yesterday as i was cleaning out my inbox that almost all
of the emails i had exchanged with a former friend of mine were riddled with
dramatic, james-ian descriptions of the smell of rain or my hatred for
history assignments or my anger at his treatment of me, as were his letters.
i have been missing him, as of late, you see, and i wondered yesterday
whether it was actually he i missed or those big, long harangues i wrote to
(and subsequently talked about with) him. i liked talking about icicles in
the beginning, and i think somewhere inside, when he started to get heavily
involved with drugs, i liked talking about why he did them, too. he always
told me he loved me, and i always told him i didn't love him like that --
which was eventually the sticking point that drove the whole thing to
pieces. so do i really want to regain that spry, curly-haired kid who used
to try to kiss me, or do i just want the opportunity to refuse the kiss?

funny how everyone spends their whole lives trying to figure everyone else
out when the biggest enigma is the self. and i'm really no further ahead
today than i was yesterday except for being wrapped in an icky sense that
maybe, for a little while, i loved someone in a way he never wanted just
because he made me feel as i never wanted and always hoped for at the same
time.

so is that using someone? maybe. but maybe it's not the worst way to be
used, though even as i type that i doubt it.

so i leave you now feeling like a) a drama queen (or just an addict) and b)
a somewhat horrid girl.

have you seen the loneliness of a middle distance runner?

lindsey  





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