Sinister: So you'll aim toward the sky

[Amy Jackson]

ok...

will's post made me cry.  he's right about the light up on the salisbury 
crags, how pretty it can be, but it is a sad place too.  that area is so 
pretty, but i always feel a bit sad going near it because of things.  death 
is big and scary but, y'know, it's part of life.  that might sound 
incredibly stupid or whatever but it's true.  i know how it feels, to be so 
completely out of hope and so desperate to end whatever part of life that is 
bad.  it is not a nice place to be.  but i think i had to get that low 
before i could sort my head out and feel better.  i mean, there are days 
when it feels like nothing is going right anymore and i just want to sit 
down and either sleep or just lie down and look into space all day and 
night, but you have think about the good things that you have.  if you keep 
focusing on them then the bad things don't seem so... bad.  if i was good 
with words i would make this sound a whole lot better.  i agree with jenowl 
though, about people who boast about trying to kill themselves.  i mean, 
what's the point?  you get these people who are like "ooh, i tried to kill 
myself, feel my inner torture" and i am just like, "it didn't work, why are 
you so proud of it?".  i used to have loads of pen pals, (when i liked a 
certain band renowned for their, ahem, 4 real fans) and most of them would 
go on and on and on about how they had a breakdown the other week, or how 
they feel that the world is against them and without Richey they have no 
hope and it just made me so angry cos if i had had a breakdown the other 
week i wouldn't be writing millions of letters about it, i'd be lying down 
somewhere resting.  if you have problems like that, you don't go about 
boasting about them.  well, i dunno, maybe that helps some people.  but 
there was this girl who ionce wrote to, and every letter i got from her was 
about how she felt like her whole college hated her, she had cut her arms to 
ribbons, she'd written a suicide not and left it for her mum to find even 
though she had no intetion (at that point) of killing herself and about how 
she'd had umpteen nervous breakdowns before the age of twelve.  i mean, how 
many things like that can happen to one 17 year old?  i don't mean to sound 
insensitive but i just didn't know how to help her.


sorry for ranting.


amy x

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