Sinister: The forest whispers my name

[Dimitra]

I started writing this in the afternoon. I'll probably finish it just before
dawn, it takes me hours to write something, to make it look like what I
feel.
 It was a wearily hot and sunny afternoon, like all the others before it in
the last four months. Summer here is endless...

I started writing : "In June 1999 I was eighteen, and breaking up for the
first time" -and that's were I stopped. What I wanted to say is: It wasn't
the kind of a break-up that's
the-end-you-can-see-coming-but-avoid-until-there's-nothing-you-can-do, or
one that comes after slowly falling out of love... It was an end I felt like
I had to put after I discovered he was feeling bored, but it was a sudden
discovery: he was slightly bored for a month, then quite obviously bored for
a week and that's when I decided I should give up, although I can assure you
I was pretty much in love. To that day, I still think that was all I could
do.
So, I remember lying on my bed in my parents house the first noon after the
last night with him, staring at the wall and the light coming through the
window, feeling brave but sad and also trapped in my life with nowhere to
go, and amazed of how quickly it all happened... When I noticed that on the
wall, it read "All Farewells Should Be Sudden".
It's not a magical wall, I had written it, but that was twenty-two months
before and seemed like it was in another lifetime, when I still went to
school, had never been in love and actually liked the Verve. Also a lifetime
when I scrambled things on my bedroom walls with coloured chalks. This one
was brown. It's supposed to be a Verve single or something, which I have
never seen or listened to, I had just seen the a photo of the cover inside
the sleeve of Urban Hymns and liked the way it sounded and felt.
I felt....I felt a million things at once...surprised...but mostly, I felt
alive and thrilled...it didn't make me feel less sad -actually it made me
feel more sad- but at the same time I felt full of strength, ready to get up
and walk to the edge of the world if I had to....
I didn't have to, and that's probably the worst thing about it, all I could
do was lie down until most of the excitement went away -most, but not all,
there was a little part that stayed with me and helped me with my life from
then on. I still have it.

When I sat down to write this again, it was windy, there was a sweet naughty
south wind which made everything seem better. It was a promise of things
changing -mainly of autumn coming. I always get excited when seasons change.
It's something else that makes me feel alive too.
When I started this paragraph I went outside to see if it was still windy.
And I found out it was raining! It's more of a shower actually, but it's
uplifting nevertheless. It's even more of a change, and also it's magical. I
live on the fourth floor and from the balcony I could see the street shining
wet under the orange lights and the moon behind the clouds, which was orange
too. If you have never stayed in a greek city you probably can't imagine how
it feels, cause I think nowhere else buildings are that ugly or nights that
sweet. Nowhere I have been to at least.

I will continue something Will started. Your life might not be wonderful,
but it should be filled with moments like these, with things that make you
feel alive, or with songs that make you feel alive. Or at least it can be,
believe me. I'm sorry, I can't come up with something better of a
description than "feeling alive"...or, rather...my brother said the other
day: "the forest whispers my name". You can insert whatever you want instead
of forest, but I think it's a good for saying alive, thrilled, and feeling
that you belong somewhere, even if it is in this insane world.

As I wrote to someone the other day, I love the list, some days it gives me
reasons to live for. It gives me moments like these. Like, reading that
Richard -when he wasn't Richard but a random stranger- found a piece of
paper under his bed which read "I want to be the hero of my own life". The
poem Madeleine posted. Will's post, of course. Ken's last post, too. The
"It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate, it takes strength to be gentle
and kind" line repeated, and the stories about it. The quote James Glimmer
ends his posts with. The way john john uses words. The way people use
sinister related things in the case of a runaway thread story.

Kirsten mentioned wanting to be somewhere else rather than where you are. I
miss Scotland. Usually, I wish for Scotland rain, not just any rain. Because
that's a place where I could have friends.

Love,and keep the faith,
Dimitra.


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