Sinister: 'i just don't understand why you can't do anything the easy way...'

[Kirsten Kenyon]

   my mom's beloved uncle bert passed away two nights ago. he was a 
sweet, quiet man who never married, and who devoted many of his years 
to the care of his parents.  i remember going to his house when i was 
little.  from what i can recall, he lived on cigarettes and dry-
roasted peanuts.  and there was a toy chest with 'don't break the 
ice' and a music box that played 'raindrops keep fallin on my head.'  
there are several photographs of a tiny blonde girl in a pink dress 
and a little lacy white apron the ladies at st. mary's catholic 
church used to wear to serve coffee after mass.  i never really 
figured out why uncle bert had that apron, but i used to wear it and 
entertain anyone who would pay attention, doing awkward ballets to 
that song from the music box.  
   there was a funeral when i was five years old, and my great-
grandma was getting pretty senile.  i remember her sitting at the 
head of the dinner table, thoughtfully chewing on a ham sandwich and 
letting her gaze drift around the table.  pausing suddenly on uncle 
bert, she stopped chewing for a moment and nearly shouted, "heavens 
to betsy, that man has the most remarkably large ears i've ever 
seen!"  nobody knew what to do.  finally someone said "aw, look at 
kirsten," and suddenly everyone seemed to find unspeakable amusement 
in the fact that i had an olive on each of my fingers, and i made a 
grand production of eating them one by one.  the whole family roared 
with laughter and i thought i must be quite the little comedienne.  
   i'm certainly in no hurry to grow old, but i do think sometimes 
that it will be sort of fun, being able to say anything that crosses 
my mind.  with no discretion.  old people can get away with things 
like cutting in line at the cinema.  they get a discount, too.  and 
i've never stolen anything in my life, but it's crossed my mind that 
when i'm a scrawny old lady in a big silly hat, it might be a good 
time to go into walgreens and stuff my huge old-lady handbag 
with...condoms or something.  if i didn't get caught, i would go home 
and blow them up like balloons and throw myself a party.  or fill 
them with water and hurl them at passers-by.  or something.  and if i 
did get caught...well, i suppose i would just act very confused, and 
i probably wouldn't get in any trouble at all.  because i'd be old.  
and then i would giggle the whole way home because the kids who 
worked at walgreens would be able to go home and tell their friends 
that they caught this crazy old lady trying to steal six boxes of 
trojans.  
  anyway...oh yes. i had a visit from miss elise and jimmy gilmer on 
sunday.  we sat in the teahouse and jim told funny stories and elise 
had on sexy boots and looked just as lovely as the last time i saw 
her, so it seems she must always look that way.  and we walked along 
the lake and i pointed out important landmarks, like the place where 
i once stepped in elephant droppings.  and we went into a few shops 
and giggled at things, and sat on the edge of a dried-up fountain and 
laughed at what have to be the gaudiest holiday decorations the world 
has ever seen.  no sex shops this time, but it was fun anyway.  well, 
i hope they had fun.  i'm not exactly the hostess with the mostest.
    once again, anyway.  i've just booked a plane ticket...about half 
an hour ago, now.  in twenty-one days, i will be..in glasgow.  
lovely.  i think it will be a really good time....hehee (i am trying 
to contain my excitement so as not to make a huge idiot of myself.) 
okay, but just because i can't help it....here are a bunch of 
exciting exclamation points !!!!!!!!!!!
  okay, that's more than enough.  i've just diagnosed myself with 
anemia.  i need flinstones vitamins.  bye bye
  love kirsten


Care2 make the world greener!
http://www.care2.com - Get your Free e-mail account that helps save Wildlife!
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+