Sinister: If the cardy don't fit you must acquit

[robin stout]

Oooh! It was all very exciting, wasn't it? Rachel OJ stealing that bus then 
driving it very slowly with a bun held to her head, while helicopters 
whirred in the skies above and we all watched on the telly.

"I've got a bun! It's creamy, and if you come to close it'll make a dreadful 
mess!"

I was gripped.

Later, OJ was arrested for stealing a Rachel's identity, impersonating a 
Rachel without a licence, and riding her bike on the pavement. You must 
remember it. The only witness had described a nambly pambly girl in a 
cardigan running from the scene of the crime. Of course, when the 
prosecution presented the cardigan as evidence, the defence said it wasn't 
hers...

"If the cardy don't fit, you must acquit..."

It didn't fit, but the prosecution knew the cardigan had shrunk because 
she'd spilt tea on it during a dramatic moment in Animal Hospital.

Surgeon: "Where's the rabbit gone? Quick! Fetch the tranquilliser gun! It's 
attacking Rolf's face!"

Rolf: "Flamin' 'eck, doc! Yer great gallah! That's only me hairy beard!"

They knew this because they'd seen it too and spilt their sherry. And they 
weren't the only ones watching Animal Hospital that night. In the house over 
the road, next door to the pencil shop, a girl called Rachel was watching it 
too. OJ knew that at 8 o'clock, after Animal Hospital had finished, Rachel 
would take a bath to recover from the excitement, and to wash off the 
perspiration caused by the sight of Rolf's furry friends. OJ snuck up the 
stairs while Rachel's identity was hanging on a peg outside, and stole it. 
Later, when the police inspected the scene of the crime all they found was a 
small pile of crumbs.

Of course, as you know, it was the crumbs that convicted her in the end. 
They were also found on OJ's cardigan and were indentifed as being from the 
same packet of digestives. OJ had crushed one of these biscuits during an 
especially exciting moment on Animal Hospital.

Surgeon: "Let's mend this rabbit then. Nurse, pass me the ear clamps. Can't 
have the bugger escaping again. Hold on where is he? Rolf?"

Rolf: "No, doc, that's me beard again, yer dozy dingo."

Surgeon: "I wasn't looking at your beard, Rolf. There's some ears sticking 
out from your shirt."

Rolf: "Strewth! It's in me pouch!"

Surgeon: "Oh my god! Rolf - you're a marsupial!"

So OJ was knocked up, er, I mean banged up, er no I'll start again. OJ was 
thrown in prison for a very long time.

The End*

Actually I didn't understand the whole Rachel OJ thing at all. You might 
have noticed.


BELLE AND SEBASTIAN

Here you go. This is what you're looking for, after scrolling past all of 
that nonsense. Well it's not much, but I was glad to see that all of the 
writing that's ever been on the Banchory website has been revived and put 
together in the same place, here:

http://www.banchory.net/belleandsebastian/

Click on the bus. All of the diaries are there too which can be very funny.

MY NAME IS BOB

Yes it is. As the Robster has said, he, Robyn and I have decided to enter 
our own team into the orgy of filth that is the mixtape challenge and give 
all those Wills, Rachels and Henrys a run for their money. If your name's 
Robert or Robin or Robyn, or even if you simply like to bob, you can join 
our team - The Bobs. Just email me and I'll tell you when the first training 
session is.

bye

Robin x

*This is a rather mediocre work of fiction and resemblance to real Rachels, 
living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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