Sinister: How To Write A Sinister Post

[Laura Llew]

1.   Find a computer which is not known for blinking off halfway through an 
e-mail
2.   Make sure that you don't have the list's address already printed in the 
"Send To" column so it won't accidentally send a half baked post
3.   Set your timer for 15 minutes
4.   Try to figure out a witty coherent introduction for your post
5.   Realize that you've just woken up around 4am with this dialogue in your 
head:
Lady 1: I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss.
Lady 2: Ah, you're first kiss was in the rain?
Lady 1: No it was in the shower.
6.   Forget the part about being coherent.
7.   Realize this is a flashback from the few months where your sister holed 
herself up in her room and did nothing but watch reruns of the Golden Girls 
and Designing Women until all of her conversations reflected this fact and 
were strained of all extranneous fluff until there was only phrases such as, 
"I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo!" left.
8.   Give up on being witty
9.   Realize that though you're so dim that people can hear the ocean when 
standing near you -  surely you're surrounded by others who are clever.
10.   Replay all recent dialogues in your head in hopes of gleaming 
something to steal and use as your own:
Dialogue #1
Me: Oh, Amelie is a French movie I want to go see. Evidently, the main 
character in it reminds people of  me.
Will: I had a french film which reminded people of me once. I was pretty 
disappointed to find out it was The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Dialogue #2
Me: I almost got a tattoo on my birthday.
Man: Where's your birthday?

11.   Forget about being witty altogether
12.   Sign on to #Sinister in hopes of being roused to post about something 
B&S related
13.   Find yourself typing things like, "I hate to ruin your knowledge of 
anatomy, Katrina, but what your brothers have that you don't have IS NOT A 
TAIL."
14.   Forget the part about #Sinister being a muse or a motivator.
15.   Push play on the stereo
16.   Listen to Bright Eyes sing:
      "Laura are you still living there -
       on your estate of sorrow?
       You used to leave it occasionally
       Now you don't even bother...."
17.  Realize you're in love with the song though you think you like Will 
Oldham's Laura song ("Disorder") better
18.  Wonder if this makes you EMO
19.  Shiver with the fear that at any second Sexpot Sauer might come 
swooping down from the ceiling while accusingly yawping a "FREAKING HIPPY" 
at you before she tackles you with a kamikazee kung fu kick.
20.  Wait
21.  Become despondent when nothing happens
22.  Realize this is written in third person
23.  Remember when your mother lectured you in high school for always 
referring to yourself as "Laura" instead of referring to yourself in first 
person. Remember how her voice became particularly lovely with shrillness as 
she said that you were acting like a Schizophrenic and were driving her 
crazy?
24.  Remember your retort of, "It's not a long trip"
25.  Make a personal note that even though she's 30 years older than you 
that you must remember to have quicker reflexes, especially with ducking.
26.  Refocus on the fact you're writing a post to Sinister
27.  You bought Belle and Sebastian's new single! Alas, CONTENT!
28.  Wait, you haven't listened to it since it's in your car which has 
broken down yet again due to bad engine mounts.
29.  Ponder on the fact that you didn't even know Hubris had mounts - much 
less that they had been straying onto wicked paths.
30.  Wonder if your car gets more action than you
31.  Remember that a boy tried to kiss you yesterday at the bookshop while 
you were putting things away in the supply closet but you turned your head 
so he only made contact with your hair
32.  Strategically plan how you can spend more time at work near the supply 
closet.
33.  Wonder what that boy is doing now
34.  Wonder what that noise is
35.  Realize your 15 minute timer has gone off
36.  Panic that that long has gone by and you haven't thought of a Dorothy 
Parker quip yet
37.  Think of how when Dorothy Parker was your age she spent her weekends 
wearing nothing but a broad brimmed hat
38.  Conclude that Dorothy Parker didn't go on a lot of roadtrips in her day
39.  especially not in cars with vinyl seats
40.  especially not in the summer
41.  Suddenly have a vague memory that you were going to post the deadline 
to the Sinister Christmas Present Exchange
42.  It passed
43.  Recall how you were going to respond to Matthew Henderson's query of, 
"What exactly is a tea towel?"
44.  Become disgusted to think of how it has NOTHING to do with a tea but is 
just a dish cloth
45.  Wish once more that socks were part of the Belle and Sebastian line of 
band related merchandise
46.  Look down and realize that you're only wearing one sock and that's why 
your left foot is cold
47.  Wonder where the other sock is
48.  Realize it's probably in your bed where you kicked it off in your sleep
49.  Wonder why you're not in bed ... with the New Yorker sipping hot 
chocolate. Or better yet with A New Yorker who works in a bookshop in..
50.  Be reminded of how this is exactly what it was like trying to write a 
paper in college

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