Sinister: I don't have any puns

[Kenneth P Y Chu]

How not to write a sinister post

1. Sit yourself down at a state of the art computer.
2. Twiddle your thumb a bit realising that with a thumb so small, there's 
nothing else to do.
3. Make mental (no really) note to self that constantly referencing B&S 
lyrics for a hobby is sad.
4. Decide to write a sinister post because you're bored.
5. Start the whole thing by thinking of a witty B&S song title pun.
6. Fail, and shout to yourself "I DON'T HAVE ANYPUNS".
7. Pose, whilst a thought bubble with a lightbulb on it appears over your 
head - and then exclaim "Eureka!" in a really patronising voice. (in Ken's 
case speak normally)
8. Put that down as your subject line.
9. Copy what someone else has written, and then change it slightly to make 
it seem as if you are remotely witty, and highly original.
10. Try and at least think of contents, or at least something that someone 
said on the list so you can reply to it and make everything suddenly seem 
relevant.
11. Remember that it is Monday morning and you're at work, you had 5 hours 
sleep last night and thus has a memory block.
12. Sign off, giving shouts out to everyone that you want to get into the 
pants of, then realise that that list would get too long and a few people 
would still be left out and thus not sleep with you.
13. Remembering that it is ok, because they wouldn't sleep with you anyway.
14. Give shouts out to your elbow, who is a fine kisser, despite being so 
untouchable - to you, but not to everyone else.
15. Story of your life.
16. Be glad that by merely trying to sign off you have put in some mandatory 
moaning about no-one you like falling in love with you contents.
17. Get sacked for doing no work at work.
18. Plot a career as a modern artist after being inspired by the Turner 
Prize winner last night which was "a light that goes on and off" - which was 
the best piece of modern arts you've ever seen, although "a pile of shit" by 
T.A. Lentless came close.
19. Feel relieved that you haven't actually been sacked, and so celebrate 
with a speech in the style of David Beckham at Sports Personality of the 
Year awards 2001:

"like, I'd like to obviously thank everybody, like, obviously, my mum and 
dad and my two sisters and my whole family, like, obviously I'd also 
obviously like to like thank all my teammates and my manager, like obviously 
and, like"

20. Write something about Red Bull.
21. Write down your name so people will avoid your e-mails the next time.

Ken
P.S.: 22. Have a PS section that says fuck all.

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