Sinister: slowly; it´s all falling down.

[Astrid Wiezell]

Hey sinister,
thought I´d write a sinister sinisterpost today. Well, it´s not something planned.

I think I might be in love. Or I am at least having a serious crush on a boy in my school. It´s all doomed to failure from the start. He´s two years younger, which makes me feel like an old pervert, like the old, sad person who can´t find boys in her own age. But it´s not like that. It wasn´t really something I planned. It was just that when I see him everyday (his locker is quite near mine, just around a corner).. well.. I began to get this very funny feeling in my stomach when I saw him, and it´s only grown bigger since. It´s horrible - When I see him I get this dubblesided emotion: Angst because I´m NOT supposed to like him, I´m supposed to fall in love with the boys who likes mopeds and only wear cool clothes and who just plays cool. But I also feel this strange connection, because I know that he know I like him, he looks at me and smile a bit or gets very shy when I look at him and he always look me straight in the eyes. 

Maybe he´s just suspicious. This strange girl who keeps staring at him and then stare att her shoes.

I do not know what to do with all my feelings for him, he´s just so beautiful, he´s so cute and he always play ping-pong during the breaks, even if it´s just a five-minute-break, he´ll run through the corridors to find a ping-pong-table to play on.

Reasons why I should NOT let my feelings keep growing like this:
*He´s two years younger (13!) and it makes me feel like an old pervert.
*He´s probably in love with one of those "cute" girls in his class, and in his age!
*He´s quite a bit shorter than me, which I always get a bit angsty about
*Even if it went well, if we would become a couple, no-one would get it, they´d just tease me (and him) and they´d be horrible. I know them. 



I am one of those persons who dream a lot. This is what I dreamt about him the night between thursday and friday:

Me walking a bit behind my friends, when he runs up to me, and walks beside me, saying, ina sort of mumbling voice "Umm.. umm.. y. y.. you.. umm.." lots of times, and finally I say "Sorry?" and he say "What? I didn´t say anything". When I get to my locker with my friends, one of them tells me that he REALLY said that he wanted to "go to an italian restaurant and then walk in the new neighbourhood" but that I didn´t get that. all of the sudden, me and this certain, this girl and I are sitting in the school cafeteria, eating our lunch, when I all of the sudden say "That was a lie you told me, wasn´t it? He didn´t say that for real, did he?" and she kind of laughed in a sort of depising laugh saying "Of COURSE I did, Astrid, you didn´t honestly think he´d give a damn about you, did you?" and I just stood up and tipped her glass of apple juice over until the whole table was covered in apple juice.
Then I dreamt that he and his twin brother was walking the opposite direction, and I turned aroudn and looked at him, and he looked at me all the time and I knew that he was the only one. 


Dreams like that stay with you for quite some time. Hmmm. I can´t just forget him, and give it up. I just can´t.

His name is spelled A-D-O-R-E.
Is my name spelled P-E-R-V-E-R-T?

Confused, but still, love,
Astrid x

_________________________________________s_p_r_a_y_
Här börjar Internet!
Skaffa gratis e-mail och gratis Internet på http://www.spray.se

Spray Jul 2001 är här! Roligaste julen på webben. http://www.spray.se/jul/

+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+