Sinister: to tell someone all the truth before it Kens Chu

[Rachel fruitloop]

Hello Sinister!
I suppose I shall start off by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, as
it is nearly 2 am on Christmas morning as I write this...
The cats have had some catnip and the one we call the "fuzzy cootie",
Rhonda, has fallen asleep on her back under the area rug, with just a
little brown ear and a tuft of beige fur sticking out, I fear that
she will be trampled if she stays there much longer.  Mr. Andy Warhol
is jumping from cushion to cushion and I think getting high is the
only way he can deal with the fact that his master is away at her
mom's house... *sigh* I didn't drink tonight, but I sort of wish I
had.  You see, I was at a family gathering at my parents' house for a
nice pressie exchange, and I had to be alert in case I needed to make
a quick exit.
I love christmas, but it puts me on edge.
And it demonstrates to me that manic behavior is hereditary.
For fuck's sake, I am my mother. The difference is that she refuses
to take any sort of "anti-depressant" medication because she is "not
depressed." I want to slip some celexa into her nog and see if it
makes her chill out a teeny tiny bit. God, I am so happy that I am on
medication. (Thanks to lovely Elise for getting me away from the evil
zoloft!)
Anyway. Medication or no medication, it only takes the edge off.  But
I am feeling a bit down. I've been thinking a lot about my life and
where I am and where I want to go and it just seems so simple
sometimes.  Like I typed in an address on Mapquest.com (except we all
know how accurate THOSE directions tend to be!) I probably have
mentioned that a very dear friend of mine recommends that I not think
in such extreme black & white terms, and I think he's right, that I
will be much happier if I can accept more greys in my life.  Here's a
grey I'm trying to keep from preceiving as black: my dear friend,
probably one of my closest friends, has told me that he can't be.  I
am left speechless.  There is nothing I can say now. I have to accept
that.  It is very difficult.  I always want to make speeches. 
I had a vision of myself that was actually quie a nice one and I
haven't felt that way for a very long time.  I saw myself as angelic
instead of secluded. I felt like I could touch people with just my
purity of intention without having to physically move them.  I felt
almost lythe and subliminal... quite a contrast to my usual feeling
of clumsy and desperate.  Can I really move someone to go silent on
me out of guilt? Guilt because he didn't want anything... hmmm. Why
give it a second thought, I wonder. How did I end up slithering into
his psyche like this anyway?

I wonder if my feelings of jealousy will go away when I feel good
about myself.  I'm going to try that out.  These days, my jealousy
consumes me like a thick cough, a sweet tickle in my lungs that
infects me and sends that sick and seething sensation into my
bloodstream and I swear I can almost see green pulsating behind the
whites of my eyes. And I want to faint out of sheer disgust.

In less than a week my list crush Mr. Ben Apps will be here with me.
How did that happen? What powers in the universe granted me such
influence as to make someone as sweet and adorable as Ben travel so
far to spend our holiday together... I will never know.  I am just
grateful for it.  When I think about what a lovely gesture that is, I
feel less than slightly mental and less tempermental and more
beautiful than anyone could ever imagine me being.  That idea, right
now, is perhaps the most romantic thing I have ever thought in my
entire life. Regardless of what happens, that one concept is
perfection to me, and I just wanted to write it down for safe
keeping.

The cats are napping on beds now, with visions of sugarplums dancing
in their heads, I imagine!  I'm about to catch the train to
sleepytown and hopefully dream of nice settings with lovely people
and happy times to come.  Those are my favorite dreams... they have a
funny way of working themselves into reality.
Holiday cheer and love to you all!
love,
Rachel fruitloop



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