Sinister: a small soul, perhaps, but burning brightly...and guttering on my things like a wave.

[nafees saeed]

i am a boy with shiny nails.  on my hands, but only for tonight and for last
night also.  i didn't really want to have shiny nails, and if i could i
would get rid of them...but i can't.  so i have shiny nails.  of course,
having shiny nails has opened me up to much ridicule, especially from my
brother but i umm...kinda like them.  i don't suppose it's *right* for me to
be happy with having my nails shiny, or for me to tilt my fingers upwards
and admire them.  and occasionally giggle about them, then feel a sense of
deep shame which follows quickly.  they're not very practical either,
whenever they're in the light they glare back at me like mirrors do in the
sun.  so i have to squint when i type because there is a lamp just above my
keyboard and there's no letting up.  i suppose i should mention why my nails
are shiny.  it's a result of "too much christmas" as my friend put it.  i'm
not sure what that means exactly, but i think it's something to do with just
generally being silly and having fun.  i was at her house, giving her the
present i got her and her little sister showed me her presents.  one of them
was a beauty kit, which i think is slightly inappropriate for an 8 year old
girl.  then she said that she couldn't test on animals so i'd do instead
(ha!).  so she then proceeded to do stuff with stuff then apply some liquid
or whatever, then she was finished.  i suppose i was trying to almost humor
her by letting her do this, then i was going to wash it off afterwards.
but, when it came to washing it off it didn't come off.  so i have been left
with shiny nails.  but, apparently it shouldn't last for more than 48 hours,
which have nearly passed.  so my period of having shiny, attractive nails is
nearly over.  and i can go back to being hard again.  with dull nails.
which don't shine.

i don't know why i felt the need to mention all that.  but i think that will
be my only real significant memory of this christmas.  and no doubt, when my
friend's sister is older we can talk about it.  and laugh.  christmas was
different this year, not in a bad way.  it was just different.  there was no
real reason for it to be so, nothing major has changed over the last year.
i think the whole period has just seemed to have passed too quickly, and i
don't understand why.  it all began in october when i saw the first
christmas lights, and then by mid november santa's grotto was open.  some
people were talking about christmas being a horrible time for them and about
how they felt stressed and lonely.  i can understand that but i don't think
i've ever felt it.  i remember talking to somebody who said that there are
two forms of loneliness.  one, when you have no-one around and one when you
have people around you but feel alone.  the second one is something that
scares me, and something i hope i never have to experience.  then i was told
that if that's the case you're probably just looking for someone.  i started
thinking about this because jimmy gilmer wrote "I was a lucky boy, Santy
brought me a certain pretty girl this year".  heh...i know i'm being a bit
silly here.  i thought that was the best present you could ever get, apart
from maybe a nerf gun.  so i was thinking, santa could do something really
great here.  if he brought us all someone special instead of socks we'd all
be a lot happier.

i think christmas is necessary though.  the year would be so dull without
it.  there'd be nothing to look forward, and winters would just be even
worse.  i first started to appreciate it more when my brother left for uni.
because it was great when he came back for christmas, then everyone would
perk up and there'd be more people in the house apart from just me and my
parents.  then he started bringing his girlfriend home for christmas and
then there'd be even more people in the house and it just got better.  i
don't know why christmas was different, my dad said he noticed it too.

my christmas day started late, me being awoken by my brother coming into my
room singing wham's 'last christmas' in his boxer shorts.  it was quite
funny really, he even got the george michael facial expressions right too.
then we loitered round whilst my mum made dinner.  which was nice, as it
always is.  after dinner there was the usual aftermath which involves lazing
on the sofa watching crappy tv, which included the queen's speech.  we had
an invite to my aunt's that evening, and all my family were going to be
there...uncles, cousins and such.  i don't particularly dislike my family.
they're nice enough people but when they're all together they just morph
into...bleurgh.  i'm not very good at making conversation so i absorbed
theirs, which was harmless.   it's too easy to tell when people are trying
not to offend eachother.  i then managed to slip away to my friend's house.
i reckon friends are good at christmas, because they're people you actually
choose to be with.  we had a theme for our present exchanges this year, they
had to be under £10 and ultra tacky.  that was quite funny, i am now the
pround owner of one of those fish tanks that have fake fish in them that are
coloured in the most extreme pigments.  there's two inside it, named
'arafat' and 'sharron'.  my attempt at world peace.  they only seem to move
when you shake it.  we went walking too, looking at everyone's lights and
wondering how people can actually think they look good.  eventually we
passed the church near my old primary school where some local comedian had
put a "closed for christmas" sign outside.

---

Why is boxing day called boxing day?  I could never figure it out.  my dad
made up some lame story about boxing matches and sailors then quit halfway
through.

that dvd sounds like a rather ace idea, i hope it materialises.  i can
remember watching some b&s videos on the rolling stone website if you're
looking for some mr video blokey man.  someone asked about the video for
'the wrong girl'.  it's the one where stevie's in school and gets beaten up
at the start...i think.

hmm, i'm assuming the manchester bowling thing isn't going to happen now.
ahh well, some other time maybe.  perhaps i should sneak in some practice so
i don't look like a complete fool if it ever does happen.  there's rubbish
where you look cute trying, and there's just rubbish.

take care,

nafees.


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