Sinister: god is what i make of him

[kerry]

i know i just recently posted to sinister, but i've been feeling all 
belle and sebastian-y lately. some of you may know of peet's coffee, 
and if you do then you probably know that peet's sells a blend called 
major dickason's. well, we were brewing the major all day today, so 
of course i spent most of my time humming "me and the major," because 
how could i not? then i came home and i've been listening to b&s 
practically nonstop since. i realized how much i like twattybus, i 
think i'd forgotten, shelved it away with some distant memories. i 
put it on, and ". . . brilliant career" starts up, and i'm lost in 
the music, mesmerized by it. how could i forget this? i know and 
accept that sinister is and probably always be my favorite album, but 
damn this one's good. i know you all know this, because you wouldn't 
be on this list if you didn't.
now here's a problem: i just don't feel the same way about FYHCYWLAP. 
i've tried and i've tried, but it just doesn't inspire a whole lot of 
emotion the way just about every other recording does. sure, there 
are a few songs that i've connected to (the chalet lines, nice day 
for a sulk, i fought in a war, women's realm), but none of those are 
particularly strong or deep connections -- i just think they're good 
songs, and i like to listen to them. don't get me wrong, i like the 
album, they're all good songs. they just don't bring out any feelings 
for me. does this make me a bad person? i can listen to simple things 
halfway through and be in tears, and then i can listen to this entire 
album and not feel a single thing. (and if you're wondering why 
simple things would make me cry, to be honest i'm not really sure).
i discovered tonight that the pictures from explodingdog and 
1000robots make GRATE cover art images in my mp3 player (audion). i 
know what the albums look like, i think it's more interesting to look 
at a different picture that shares some of the same qualities as the 
music. needless to say, based on the way i've been feeling today, 
i've done up all the b&s albums. i find myself having way too much 
fun with sam brown's little creations at explodingdog.com and 
1000robots.com (and if you haven't been to either of these sites, you 
really ought to.) i've even sent him titles, made nifty desktop 
pictures (with a little added depth and dimension, courtesy of adobe 
photoshop), "about this mac" replacements, greeting cards, anything i 
can think of, out of his pictures. i even carry a few around with me 
on my palmpilot. there's nothing like being in a crappy mood and 
looking at "cheer up," "all my favorite people live in this box that 
i look at every day," "making cats," and "what does god say." hmmmmm.
i really should be studying now. <-- why does it seem like just about 
1/2 of all the posts to sinister contain this or a similar phrase? am 
i crazy for thinking this?
back on the music front, i've recently discovered that i can't listen 
to palace music "lost blues" without thinking about driving up route 
63 to new hampshire, which is what i used to do every other saturday 
when i was at college in western massachusetts. but now i'm back in 
chicago, a thousand miles away from route 63, and i miss it so much. 
in fact, i miss it so much that when i finish with the med tech 
program i'm in now, i'm probably going to move back there. i'm a 
little scared about that idea, but it's like a screwdriver in my 
chest whenever i think about my life out east, i miss it so much. i 
miss my grocery store, my video rental store, my kmart, and my 
biweekly trip to new hampshire. i used to put on "lost blues" about 5 
miles outside of northfield mass, turn the volume way up, and sing at 
the top of my lungs, off key, cracked and broken, and fall in love 
with the scenery, the 300 year old cemetaries, the hills, the farms, 
and the burly guys in pickup trucks. then, when the song finished, 
i'd put it right back on again, and repeat the process. so, you see 
my problem. i love that song, but i'm nowhere near new hampshire, 
northfield mass, or any of it. so now what? you may be wondering why 
this wasn't a problem before. well, it was. so i just didn't listen 
to it much. in fact, i barely listened to a lot of my favorite music 
because i had trouble dealing with the memories and activities 
associated. i can't really listen to the jesus and mary chain "stoned 
and dethroned," because that was the album i listened to on the trip 
home from new hampshire. each and every time, with a few exceptions. 
it's "going home" music. it's an album i listened to driving back to 
chicago from massachusetts, from michigan to chicago, wisconsin to 
chicago. i think for once i'd like to hear it going to a new home, 
from chicago to somewhere else. i'm not saying it's the only thing i 
listened to on those trips, it's just that it was the defining peice 
of music on those trips. it set the mood. and, oddly enough, i didn't 
listen to it on the way there, just the way home.
i think that's all i have to say. i really just meant to post about 
belle and sebastian. who would have thought i'd end up talking about 
long car trips and my own weird neuroses. for the record, the "this 
is just a modern rock song" EP reminds me of driving through new 
york, to massachusetts, from philadelphia. hm.
now i need to walk my dog. have a good night, everyone.
-kerry
-- 

"we're special in other ways. ways our mothers appreciate."
                                 --built to spill, "kicked it in the sun"
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