Sinister: Man, I feel 80% Woman

[James Thorniley]

Hello kittens!

The following post is witty, interesting and very relevant to B&S and *your
life*. You'll really want to read it right through, not skipping anything,
and not even noticing spelling errors because of my fabulous charm. You'll
never want to delete this message and you'll probably get it printed out on
A2, laminated, and stuck to your wall as a poster.*

I have noticed that the cheeky little Stuart Murdoch has been trying to
steal peoples attention by *doing things*. This will not be tolerated, as
you should all be paying attention to me, and not him, because I am better,
not to mention prettier by far. Frankly, the guy is just full of himself.

I have been prompted again to post by the lovely Dafyd, not really by his
inspiring me, but more threatening me and demanding that I post. I suppose
he realises it's not fair for me to deny you lovelies of my presence.

That said, I do have some things to say which aren't *entirely* self
absorbed:

I was going to the Strange Fruit thingy yesterday after work but someone
started a fire in Wimbledon and the trains to London got cancelled :(

Mmm, that was a bit to do with myself I spose.

I have invented something wonderful, it's called

THE SINISTER DRINKING GAME.

Basically you get a couple of bottles of vodka, and a bottle of ribena, and
a few glasses**. You invite a few (preferably sinister) friends round and
save up a few days worth of your sinister posts. You then read the posts
together and you have to down a shot of Vodbena every time one of the
following happens:

1. You get the urge to snog Mark Casarotto.
2. CarsmileSteve puts something on his website.
3. Genevieve makes the boys blush!
4. Someone downloads a song off napster.
5. Someone who isn't you goes to a sinister meet up and your sooo jealous.
6. PineFox mentions a band you've never heard of.

You can make up more of your own ideas for the above list because mine
aren't very good, but you get the picture. By the end of the night you'll
be very sinisterly drunk and you will have caught up on all the posts! If
you can't think of any sinister cliches then just have a shot each every
time you finish a post (then you'll thank mummy for that 15 minute rule).
At the end of the night you have to compose a drunken sinister post for us
all to read.

The why we hate indie kids thing was funny, but I think I preferred Ken's
townies one; in the words of Homer Simpson:
"I like it when they make fun of people who aren't me!"
Though I don't think I'm a proper indie kid, because my CD collection can
be moved around with only one van. I don't understand why ken likes townie
girls though, we have lots at my school and they're all such slappers! They
talk like essex girls even though they don't come from essex! And I hate
the trousers they wear; they are black and made of cotton or polyester or
something boring like that and they're kind of really tight around the
thighs and make anyone's bum look really big and ugly, and then they flare
out stupidly, not like normal flares, to a kind of ironed sharp point at
the end and it's the yuckiest thing I've ever seen!

There's a girl at school who's bottom I look at far more than I should but
I can't help it, she wears these jeans sometimes with the word "elvis"
embroidered in gold on the arse! You can't help looking at it from time to
time. They are the coolest pair of jeans though, if you ask me.

I've got work experience coming up next week. I'm working at some kind of
laboratory. I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm going with a girl from
school who looks like someone from this list I think, which is weird for
me! I asked Miss Honey if I could have a job writing "Sinister:" at the
beginning of everyone's posts, but she said she already had someone to do
it. I bet I would be better though, grr.

I don't really want a boring job like that. My dream is just to marry Laura
Llew*** and open up an independant bookshop together. We'll live in the
flat above the shop, and just spend our days being care-free and reading
sinister and so on. Sigh.

This is getting long so I'll be off,

Byebye xx
James

* You may think this is some kind of ironic antithesis to the traditional
opening of a sinister post, but I'm perfectly serious (except the poster
bit and the never deleting). That kind of introduction would perhaps
however be more appropriate to one of Laura Llew's**** posts, but I know
she's too modest for such a thing, so you'll just have to imagine it next
time she posts*****.

** I actually recommend you use those plastic disposable cups rather and
glasses per se. I just don't want you to break the glasses in your drunken
silliness.

*** Well, perhaps a milkmaid such as Laura Llew is a little out of my
league, but the idea remains, just think of the faceless entity that is
your soulmate.

**** By this time I have mentioned Laura Llew at least three times, and you
might be thinking I have some kind of unhealthy obsession. All I can say
is, if you're worried, imagine how she feels!

***** Which will be very soon. More poetry: 
Laura Llew, Laura Llew,
red roses and posies for you.
It's nearly Valentines,
but I think I'm getting the flu.******
Yuck.
Laura Llew, Laura Llew.

****** Don't worry it's more of a sore throat, but don't kiss me just
now.*******

******* I'm becoming aware that the amount of footnotes in my post is once
again becoming silly. Perhaps I'm reading too much Terry Pratchett. Bye
now.

Brought to you by the fantabulous Sinister list.
"meeting all Laura Llew's needs since 1997 (or therabouts)"

"[Grr, sinister is stupid and I hate you and you have stupid hair]"
-- Stephen Wells, NME

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