Sinister: The lads I've met in Cupid's deadlock were- shall we say?- born out of wedlock.

[Velocity Girl & Lleweth]

*****
The month is February. The day is cold. Velocity Girl and Laura Llew are 
sitting in front of their fireplace in their frontroom sipping some hot 
strawberry tea, sighing. Suddenly, Velocity Girl screams

Velocity Girl:  Blimey! I just realized that Wednesday is  Valentine's Day.  
My most hated day of the year.  I can't stand this shameless 
commercialization of love! How much can a poor spinisterine take?

Laura:   What's the matter - don't you want to fall in Lovvvvvvveee? Don't 
you want to be swept off your feet by Mr. Perfect, wooed in romance - only 
to find yourself years later drowning in debt with a truckload of kids and 
only seconds of time a day to pen your soon to be bestselling memoirs, "The 
same phrase describes my breast and my marriage: Before the kids, they used 
to be such a cute couple"?

Velocity Girl: *rolls eyes*  Forget love, I'd rather fall into chocolate.

Laura:   You're not going to be getting any guys with that attitude, young 
lady. Nor with what you told that guy who hit on you the other day.  "The 
sexual preference is 'no' and don't talk to my breasts either because you 
will not be meeting them."  *giggles*

Velocity Girl:  Well, I just hate how each year they shove red hearts and 
chocolates in our faces all for the sake of making money, only they do it in 
the name of "love." Love my arse!! You know the quote "culture is the 
commodity that sells all the other"? Well, in this case, it should be "love 
is the commodity that sells all others" because it does! That pisses me off! 
We realize that but we don't have to have it rubbed in our faces like it is 
on bloody Valentine's Day!  We should protest! That's what we should do! 
Enough with the love mongery that functions just like a dildo to true 
emotions!!

Laura:  Protest? As in dress in black, be bitter, chant women are from Venus 
and men are from hell, and then write anti-Valentine's Day rants because 
really that would be *such* a novel idea. Actually, this year I cant be too 
against it since I've fallen in love.

Velocity Girl: *wrinkles nose* No silly! Those are all so passe.. Wait.. 
What did you say? You've fallen in love???? With who? You don't even talk to 
anyone with your nose always in a book!

Laura:  I've fallen for myself since no one else seems to be doing it. That 
way I don't have any competition. Plus, I can have an official reason to be 
self-involved just like couples are. Now when friends come to me with their 
petty problems I can say things such as, "Could you keep the wolverines who 
are tearing your limbs off one by one howling down. I'm trying to talk to my 
snookums."

Velocity Girl: *raises an eyebrow* Ahem.  Well, the only guy I want to get 
is that feathery god of love, cupid. He needs to pay!

Laura: Aww, you're just jealous you're not the one piercing hearts, heh. 
Really, what could you possibly want with an underdressed, overweight guy, 
who has a penchant for throwing tainted arrows into people's hearts? I mean  
I thought the kid in my kindgergarten class who ate glue and ran with 
scissors but cupid sounds like something conjured up during the sixties. He 
can't do anything for us.

Velocity Girl: Laura! Where is your imagination? You have no vision! I think 
we ought to kidnap cupid! Think of a Valentine's Day with no cupid! What 
would it be? All of those lovers will be left helpless without their 
cherubic mascot. There's no such thing as a Valentine's Day with no Cupid! 
Think of the chaos!
*Vel's eyes are sparkling as she gets excited*
There's only one way to ruin Valentine's Day and that's by getting cupid out 
of the way. I thought of bombing places, shoplifting, mocking all the 
couples in the street, but no - nothing else will do.

Laura:  Ok, kidnap cupid. I can't see as how he'd be too hard to catch being 
the fatboy he is. I mean, he has wings but he certainly can't get much 
altitude.. but how would we get close to him? I mean Psyche was his lover 
and she wasn't even allowed to look at him. You think single life is rough - 
imagine not being able to see your mate. Then again, with some of the guys I 
know that might not be such a bad thing...

Velocity Girl: Ok, ok. We'll have to lure him here and then trap him. We 
must use something to bait him here.
*Vel stands up and starts pacing the room as she bites her lip*
I've got it!!! Laura, we can use ourselves as bait! Just think - we're two 
young girls in our prime but we have no lovers. We live alone and mock the 
idea of love all the time. What's better bait than that? We can send a 
letter to cupid saying we've given up on love, we believe that no one will 
ever love us, and all of the other sappy crap we always hear girls sobbing 
as they clutch their harlequinn romances and wonder where their soulmate is. 
He won't be able to resist! He'll have to live up to his name ...

Laura: and when pudgy britches comes fluttering our way - we'll nab him!

Velocity Girl: Exactly! We can throw him in our wet dark dungeon! I don't 
think he'll be in a mood to start mating people nor throw his arrows! We'll 
keep him there till the next day, the 15th and then release him. What do you 
think? The only setback here is that if we do that then we'll be cursed 
forever. No one will ever fall in love with us, cause simply - cupid will 
hate us.

Laura: We have a dungeon?

Velocity Girl: Yes! Let's do it! Grab a piece of paper, perfume it a bit 
with this cheap perfume this boy once bought for me - when was that? Oh yes, 
on Valentine's Day 2 years ago, like he had a cance and even if he did, he 
ruined it by sending me this perfume "Moonlight Magic"! Now is that a name 
for a perfume?

Laura: If we send a letter which has been marinated in cheap perfume, all we 
are going to get in reply is a suggestion not to smell like a cheap whore.  
Call girls make so much more money anyway..

Velocity Girl: Oh ok. Grab a pen. Now, write. Your handwriting is better 
than mine.

Laura: Ya know, that's what I like about our friendship. We might disagree 
over whether we should sell cupid to the underground white slave market or 
sentence him to a dank dungeon, but we never have big arguments. *sighs*
Ok, I'll start. "Dear Fluffy Bottom"

Veocity Girl: Ahem

Laura: *Crumples up the paper*

*Vel starts walking across the room again as she dictates*

Our Dearest Cupid,
We guess you must be really busy at this time of the year, but we are 
desperate!

Laura: *to herself*  Desperate? Maybe I should get that perfume...

Velocity Girl: *continuing* We hate to disturb you, but you are our last and 
only home, you might God of Love! We are just two girls in our prime and for 
some reason we are single. Why is that? Are we cursed? Shall we ever find 
true love? Who's going to send us cards, flowers, and chocolates on 
Valentines Day? We usually send cards to each other, that's how tragic our 
situation is. Therefore, we found the courage to write to you and invite you 
over for cake and strawverry tea. You are the only one who can deal with our 
problem.
With faith in you,
Velocity Girl & Laura Llew


Velocity Girl: So, what do you think? Will he buy it?

Laura: It mentions cake- like he could resist!

Velocity Girl: Then I shall post it right away.........

****
The next day someone knocked on the spinisterine's door. It was none other 
than that feathery fatboy of love, cupid! He was donned in a trenchcoat to 
hide his wings and feathers. Not that that would have seemed odd since he 
was holding a vacuum cleaner. Vel and Laura quickly invited him and led him 
into the frontroom where he was served generous portions of spiked 
strawberry tea and yummy chocolate cake. After a while, cupid started to 
feel sleepy - whether it was due to the drugged tea or that he had just 
asked about their sex life in the past five years - is unknown. He was 
wrapped in a blanket and thrown (dragged rather. Vel & Laura are kind of 
wimpy) into their dungeon. Then, the girls took their books and went to 
their bedrooms. After a while, they heard someone screaming from downstairs. 
They dashed down the stairs to hear Cupid cursing in an unknown language. 
Laura suggested he get a new job as a Taxi Driver but it was not well 
received.

The next day was Valentine's Day. As they looked out on to the street from 
their porch they see pure chaos. Brides running away screaming from their 
weddings, flower shops with their shudders drawn and doors locked, and news 
spreads that all of Micheal Bolton's hair has fallen out as punishment all 
of the rancid love songs he has dumped on the poor masses for years.

*Velocity Girl and Laura look at each other and smile.*

Laura: So, Vel, tell me more about this dungeon of ours?
****

Roses are Red,
Blood is too.
Beware of the thorns -
Love, Vel & Llew.

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