Sinister: VD and old men

[Jon Botterman]

Howdy!

    Did you know that St. Valentine killed himself for the love of a
woman! Well there you go. No more of this St. VD nonsense. It just makes
the lonely ones lonlier and those who have got someone get in a big
argument because they say it's all a load of rubbish. Then she says that
you don't care about her 'cause if you did you'd buy her a card anyway
as it would make her happy. Then you say you'd rather be unhappy but
stick to what you first said. What would happen if I went about changing
my mind all the time. I'd turn into a bleedin' woman. Then she cries and
you say you were just joking and you think all women are equal (except
Denise Van Outen who is a bint). Then she points out that if I can say
things like that and not mean it then I can buy a card and not mean it.
Then I say what's the bloody point of that. She says even a really
little card that I had found in the street would be nice. Even that old
birthday card I forgot to give to my brother. Anything. ANYTHING! No, I
say, and I slam down the phone slightly confused about what the whole
thing was about. So there. Is that what you want? 'Cause that's what'll
happen.

And another thing:

    I was reading Robin Stout's story about an old man on public
transport
and I was reminded of a similar thing that happened to me. I was on the
tram at Croydon ( a horrible place, all grey and tower
blocky. I was only there so I could go somewhere else). I saw a free
seat and was about to sit down when an elderly gentleman got off his
seat at one side of the tram and ran over to the seat which was right in

front of me. Just as he was about to sit down the tram moved, jogging
him backwards. I thought he was going to fall so I went to grab hold of
him. Somehow, in order to try to regain his balance he'd stuck his leg
up to where his arm should have been. He must have been an uncommonly
supple and fast old man as I didn't notice until I had grabbed hold of
his raised leg. He continued falling backwards and was now assisted by a

bumbling student (me) yanking one of his legs from under him. By the
time I had realised what had occurred he had landed on the floor, head
first. I didn't know where to look as two women helped the confused
geriatric off of the floor. Everyone on the tram was staring at me. I
blame the old man for needlessly switching seats but it still didn't
help the fact that I had concussed the stupid grave dodger. Oh well, it
happens to everyone I guess. Thank you for reading this story.

P.S. The thing about St. Valentine is false. I'm sorry but it could be
true. However I do know that Noel Edmonds has taken Clive Anderson
hostage on board a helicopter gun ship!

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