Sinister: Judy and the Dream of Horses (chap 1)

[Peter Carter]

Chapter 1

I hadn’t slept properly in a month. You know that they say if you hate
someone too much everything gets all twisted? Well, the same thing can
happen with love, only that won’t go away just because you decide it should
and there’s no way you can just leave it alone, especially when the other
person loves you back just as much. I guess you wouldn’t really understand
unless you know someone who made you so nervous that you couldn’t speak to
them for fear of having them despise you, of giving away something of your
character and having them realise, instantly, that you are in no way their
equal or even their second best.

You have to understand that, for all my efforts not to be, I’m pretty much
flawed. I try to care about things, I try to put other people first, but it
never feels quite right, it always feels like I’m doing it for myself.
Sometimes I manage it, last week I actually got really upset when some girls
I know were talking about going to war being a duty, but that’s just the
once. Usually I just sit at home listening to music and working out how to
get back at someone who’s upset me, or going out and trying to find the best
way to attract everyone’s attention. I’ve tried to be like him, to actually
care more about other people than I do about myself. It doesn’t work, and
every time he touches me I can feel that he knows I’m not like him. Now, I
didn’t always understand he was like that, when I first met him I had no
idea at all.

As far as I can remember it was January, though it could just as easily have
been February, and I was sitting in the front room reading a book and
drinking Ribina through a straw. He had come to see my dad about the
computer and I had no idea who he was. He fixed the problem in a couple of
minutes and sat down on the chair next to me to have a cup of tea. I winked
at him, I always winked at boys when they first came into the house, it was
my way of introducing some drama into the proceedings.  He shuffled the
first time, and smiled just enough to avoid offending me. I waited until my
father came into the room and winked again, this time he pretended it hadn’t
happened. I went back to my book.

I soon found that it was impossible to read over the discussions taking
place between my father and my new toy. I noticed he was looking at me and
looked up sharply, intending to embarrass him. He held my gaze for a second
and then returned his eyes to my father. A little confused by this reaction
I searched for something else to occupy my attention. I began to blow gently
on my Ribina, manoeuvring the waves across the cup. I continued this until
the tea was finished and the boy left.


"...and of course everyone felt appropriately shocked and saddened by the
women's affliction..."

The Happy Reaper

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