Sinister: the opposite of coffee.

[IsabelLark at xxx.com]

Today, well, today found me in an odd way.  First off, I went out with a boy 
last night that I don't really like, but went anyway just because I had 
nothing else to do. He is a nice enough boy, and I am not trying to say 
anything about him. Just wondering more what it says about me that I do that 
sort of thing.

I listened to him go on and on about creationism vs. evolutionism.  I hate 
when people talk to you like their ideas are just so profound and cutting 
edge...especially when it's something that the universal consciousness as a 
whole has been struggling with forever.  In the end I just asked him to kiss 
me for a while...partly so he would have to shut up and partly because I just 
felt like kissing.  I thought it would make me come round to him more, but it 
didn't.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and went for breakfast at this little diner 
near my place.  I had a momentary bout of insanity or something and forgot 
what day it was entirely. I asked the waitress, she said it was Sunday...I 
mumbled something about having lost my mind and she replied "We all have, 
Hun. We all have." I laughed...It was funny to me. She is probably right too, 
I think we have all gone mad in one way or another. 

I went to the grocery and shopped for a while. Aisles and Aisles and Aisles 
of food, fabric sheets, trash bags, etc. I randomly grabbed things and put 
them in my cart. I stood for a while daydreaming right in front of the 
chicken. That was odd.  I checked out, and the young boy working the register 
apparently had been talking to me for a while and I hadn't been listening. I 
came to hearing him say repeatedly "ma'am, ma'am, would you like paper or 
plastic." It was an awkward experience all in all. I loaded my car and headed 
home. I put my groceries away and headed for the sofa. I fell to sleep for a 
while. 

I woke up and made myself a sandwich (light on the mayo, heavy on the 
mustard), I even cut it in fours...I hadn't done that before...ate it while a 
cigarette burned in an ashtray. I considered having friends over for the 
holiday, perhaps I would have made them dinner or something. Decided against 
that. 

I have fallen into a funk, that is certain. The sad thing is...I don't even 
care. I don't even want to do anything about it.  I wondered for a 
while...backtracking really to see if I could see if there was something that 
I could put my finger on. I couldn't recall anything good, bad, or otherwise. 
I have just slipped into a rut. 

I have been listening to Yo La Tengo at blaring volumes the past couple of 
days.  I have really fallen in love with them. 

Anyway, back to my day... I wandered for a while about relativity. Nothing 
fantastic really. Just wondered about the romantic capabilities of random 
people. Like receiving love from someone otherwise incapable of love and 
having it be enough just because you knew it was the maximum. I remembered 
then what possibly started it. I ran into my ex on Friday. In fact I was 
standing right behind him at the big bank downtown. We didn't talk much. 
Well, we didn't talk at all really. But we exchanged the strangest look. It 
seemed to last for like 45 seconds. I think we were both too numb to speak. 
It was a two hour movie wrapped into about 68 seconds. I still could love him 
or something. But I won't allow myself... and there lies the rub. I fear we 
belong together, and I can't get past the past with him. Love is a lottery, 
to be sure. I don't know if I can make it through another spin of the wheel, 
pull of the lever, or whatever.

I should probably include some Belle and Sebastian content, eh? Well, I love 
them. Is that enough? (i may or may not elaborate later) I was recently 
turned on to Looper. Impossible Things # 2 truly inspired me to begin a 
relationship based on nothing but coorespondence (email or otherwise.)

If a girl says that she loves a boy and he didn't hear it..Did she make a 
sound at all? or whatever. 

I am going to watch "Barfly" so I am going to end my rant with this quote:
"the well balanced individual is insane." charles bukowski

Happy New Year and all that jazz.
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