Sinister: the last thing you need first thing in the morning, rant number 3

[IsabelLark at xxx.com]

I think that I am so vehemently against religion because it was forced on me 
as a child. I rarely have anything to do with anything that goes along with 
it, nor do I anticipate any change. I have vowed never to get married, though 
secretly I find it terribly romantic. It's an outdated institution, and I 
don't especially want to seek out the courts approval should I ever want to 
separate.

I hate it for all the expectations and hesitations. However, I hate myself 
more for not being able to accept things at face value. To laugh sensitively, 
to genuinely not know anything different. To be so clear headed. Ah! what a 
life that must be.

The irony of asking to become that way after truly knowing better. Frankly, 
who would I ask?

And anyway Jesus. Why won't you be more fucking adamant, if you know 
something that I don't? Is it fair that you're so vague and indecisive all 
the time? Frankly, be glad you came when/if you did. Today wouldn't have been 
nearly as successful for you. Though I might have listened. It could have 
been me and you, Jesus. Me and you. Walking around, kings of the town. Eye 
people doing wrong and swiftly point uttering "god damn it" sure people would 
have thought we had tourettes syndrome or something...but whatever. We would 
have made a fine couple. A fine couple indeed. It would be you, the vicar, 
and me, the hypocrite. You the innocence, and me the fact. The finest display 
of "good cop...bad cop" the world has ever seen. There has always been a thin 
line between the two, you know. And you were probably into painting lines as 
a child even. How good are you at erasing them? 

Anyway, this is too much to continue on with.

I wondered about some of the posts that I have been reading lately. Some very 
good (you know who you are) some not so good (you don't.) but always the fear 
that you're offending someone or bothering someone...or too shy to do 
anything but lurk. I don't especially understand that. The wonderful thing 
about this is that it doesn't matter. We all have a simpatico (the list 
itself, music, movies) so where is the fear? We are virtually friends...and 
even more importantly no one knows who you are, unless, of course, you have 
told them, but chances are they liked you, eh?

Maybe my biggest problem is that I don't consider other peoples opinions 
hardly ever. I just say anything...and I don't care what any of you think 
about me. It could hardly be worse than things that have crossed my very own 
mind at one time or another. "I became accustomed to a kind of social 
servitude that no one, I mean, no one could accept what I have become" or 
whatever. "Sorry doesn't seem to wash when there's truths around that I have 
quashed and no one, I mean no one, can depress me more than I can." 

I would like to sign a waiver now...if you would all allow me to, that is. I 
am loaded on cough syrup..I am sick today. I am dillusional. but I can only 
hope to regret anything that I have written...at least I would know (and so 
would you) that I cared. I truly want to. I want to be one of those girls 
already. One of those girls that just sighs and laughs. One of those girls 
that waits...one of those girls that (dare i say it) stands by her man, her 
god, her beliefs, her hair. Heh.

Ah. what a life that must be.





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