Sinister: a mile and a half on a bus...rant number 4

[IsabelLark at xxx.com]

a mile and a half on a bus takes exactly 6 minutes where I live. I clocked it 
on Thursday. I must have looked like a wingnut, but I don't care. I did feel 
a little Ignatious Rileyish, but I like him...so I didn't mind...but I didn't 
heckle anyone...so I don't know how much like him I could really feel and get 
away with.

I am still sick, so please tolerate me for a while, ok? I have some wintery 
illness that has kept me in for almost 2 days. Someone mentioned bed sores 
earlier. I am familiar, though they are sofa sores really...same difference, 
i guess. 

I am on antibiotics, and other pills. not by doctors orders really, but I had 
them left over from August when I had similar symptoms. Looking around I see 
4 half eaten bowls of soup and about 7 juice glasses, a pen and paper, and a 
lot of half eaten orange rinds. 

I havent smoked any cigarettes. I figure that I smoke about 6 per day. Doing 
the math I have skipped probably 12. If it is true what people say "one 
cigarette takes 7 minutes off your life" then I just bought myself about 84 
minutes in the end. I will use it wisely as it feels like money in the bank 
right now. Though the people that say that probably never figure that you may 
be hit by a bus while crossing the street. If that happens, I will be sure to 
tell them "hey, I still have 84 minutes."  

I wonder about the people that chain smoke suffering from insufficient funds 
or whatever. Lets say that they smoke so much that they owe time to the 
banker that tracks that sort of thing. Overdrawn, so to speak. How horrible. 
heh.

I am planning a trip to New York in 2001. I have never been, though I have 
always felt like I belonged there. There is something so Leonard Cohenish 
about the place. I could even buy a long blue coat. I made plans to skip my 
10 year high school reunion and meet a friend at the MOMA. I wonder if he 
forgot. I nearly did. I really only remember it when I am feeling 
exceptionally lonely and sentimental, but we made these plans in 1995...I 
seriously doubt he remembers...he is the same boy that I stood behind in the 
big bank downtown last week, just so you know. Figuring that we still live in 
the same town and don't speak...I doubt the trip to NY would be much 
different. At the time I was moving back home for school...and he was going 
to Athens for his photography. I wonder if he remembers those plans at all. A 
lot has happened since then. sigh. What a difference 6 years makes. Six years 
and no resolution. Six years finds me thinking of six years ago. Not making 
much progress am I? Of course I could go stand behind him in line at the MOMA 
and not speak. That could be us. The couple that doesn't talk. A girl that 
just stands behind a boy in random lines. Heh. Quite possibly the secret to a 
lasting relationship...never talking. 

You may be thinking that I am just all distraught over this boy, not really 
true. though not really false either. I have fallen in love twice since him, 
but mostly just to spite him. if that is even possible. Oh I am such a 
vindictive girl. Though we all know the joke is on me, right? It's like 
saying " I will get him good this time...I am gonna fall head over hills in 
love with someone...he will be sorry then" I am truly a fool. 

I fell in love with a boy recently. He has since dumped me. He thought I was 
too wishy washy...which is ridiculous as the first thing I ever said to him 
was "give me ambiguity or give me something else" you would think one would 
have seen the signs. and I was never into holding hands and that sort of 
thing in public...that seems to only bother the person wanting to do all the 
hand holding really. Frankly, I am always pleased to NOT see someone playing 
tonsil hockey in a public place. He was a needy little thing...and I am so 
selfish, but you know...whatever. Sometimes the best thing you can ever hope 
for is to just get along with someone well enough to go to a show together. 

The older I get the more I see that other people hold one special person in a 
very high regard. Not to say that anyone that comes along after isn't 
worthy...but you have to consider too that someone is holding that person in 
the same regard that youre holding your person...and no one is getting 
anywhere. Though I will never be blamed for not trying.

Not to mention my waging war against the boy i hold in high regard...cause in 
the end I will look at him and say "heh. i found someone else." i am so  damn 
stupid sometimes...it amazes me. I would sooner let him go...even if I had 
the opportunity to have him again...I guess I just really like the idea of 
him more than him. And he did horrible things to me while we were together. 
Which brought on my question of relativity in rant number one. I think he 
loved me as well as he loved anyone...it just wasn't enough for me...but if 
it was all that he was capable of then maybe it could have been. However, 
shagging my girlfriend turned into the straw that broke the camel...I know, I 
know...I am so demanding. sheesh, I mean how dare I think that he need be 
exclusive to me? He has a cock and he wants to use it. Who am I to stand in 
the way of that. Grrrrr.

Well, it is probably clear by now that I am somewhat of a narcissist. Why 
would I even flatter myself into thinking that anyone has made it this 
far...but if you have...I have a question for you:

How long does a mile and a half on a bus take in your town?



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