Sinister: For justice...and puppies....and...er....christmas!

[JENOWL22 at xxx.com]

Hewwo,

How's tricks everyone? I was walking about in a little bubble today. Except 
that I wasn't walking. Because I was in bed with the flu, again. I get sick 
too much, I think I'll fail all my exams. 

I was thinking a lot about James the Ginger Perv. This is partly because I 
just found out that in the infinite moke-ishness of James the Ginger Perv, I 
can't actually let any human being come near me in a (whisper it) s-e-x-y 
way, because all I can think about is him forcing himself on me and laughing 
and saying I was being a tease and I wanted it really. Don't get me wrong, 
the moke didn't rape me or anything, he just did other interferey things, 
which I now realise made me a little more than stupid for believing him each 
time he said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. And I thought, 'oh, it's 
ok, he's just mad, I can do what I usually do with mad people and help them 
out' . But he wasn't mad, he knew what he was doing. He told me he'd get me 
over my hangups about sex, whether I liked it or not. But I think he made the 
hangups.

 So there's a sobering thought. I wonder how long it's going to be before I 
can actually let someone near me for any length of time. Well, I won't be 
going near him again. Or actually, now that I've found out about that 
interesting little quirk he's left me with, i might go near him one more time 
to castrate him with a rusty spike. But that's all talk, because I wouldn't 
ever do that, really. 

Also in my week of fun and illness, I just discovered that my (ex) friend 
worships hitler and I've found my mailbox clogged up with graphic photos of 
dead and mutilated babies, hilter, more dead babies, and (surprise surprise) 
people eating dead babies. Oh what fun that wasn't.

 Oh, on a good note, they're making Creme Eggs again, which is grate. They go 
so well with Ribena.

And my maybe boyfriend is taking me out to lunch. Except, maybe I should stop 
calling him my maybe boyfriend, and just go to plain old boyfriend. Oh, the 
novelty of seeing a boy or girl who doesn't turn out to be a rapist, pyro, 
perv, dominatrix or Dr Who fan. I mean, I don't think he's an actual 
satanist...

I really wanted to say something about B&S, something cool or interesting or 
unusual. But instead I've been doing the bad 'dear sinister you are my diary' 
thing, which i unreservedly apologise for. 'She's Losing It' is a really good 
song. I like Tigermilk. It's a good relatey album. I don't think there's a 
single song on that I can't identify with in some way. Except 'You're Just a 
Baby". I like it, but I can't get the image of child abuse already set by 
She's Losing It, out of my head, and it just seems like a peadophile anthem 
to me. Sorry, I've become all warped and I just want to sit and cry and cry 
and cry. 

But not to B&S, because that would be trite. I just want to sit in a little 
room all by myself where there's no one left to hit me, and cry and sniffle 
and feel bad, then come out all strong and self explored and all that 
American TV stuff, and I will just stand up in front of them all and I will 
say that I'm not afraid any more, of them. And they won't be able to touch me 
ever again. 

But we all know that never happens, especially because I feel like poo, and 
I'm ill so ignore me, I'm insane.

Bye bye, and sorry,

Hugs,
Jen

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